Sunday, October 30, 2011
Lest I forget to say this to you..I shall pen it here. Basic training was a time where I experienced a great deal of selfishness and taunting.it was so difficult trying to keep people in line with their competitiveness and pride. Worse still, I was losing faith in people and my close friends didn't give me the support I needed.that made me sink even deeper and truly lose faith with everyone.people were just so unwilling to compromise for the sake of others. Nonetheless, I know in my heart that I stood my ground and held my own. I sacrificed my ego and pride for a bunch of strangers and loved ones at a time where I was the one who needed help most.but what goes around comes around a long way. I've grown more savvy and self-preserved. I say good riddance to a bunch of people who cared less. Your time will come but I'm glad that you don't affect my belief in this calling to serve.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Sigh.I cant get over it.I was at the lowest ever point of my life and I had no one.not one person I felt who would understand or whom I could rely on.I just felt truly abandoned.I was stuck in such a selfish world in which I had tried to get along. but it seemed people could hardly care or they were too preoccupied with their own matters.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Quote from the movie, Braveheart; "Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it"
I have never felt this free before. Free in my heart.
I havent felt that great weight in my heart or shoulders since a long time.
Since God-knows-when, I've always subconsciously blamed it on a lot of things or never got the hang of it. heh. In the midst of helping others, I ended helping myself. Its odd that people's problems became my problems in the process. I must be too overly-sensitive or something.
And now, I feel the pure joy of freedom. I feel truly alive and like my true self.
I'm back from that long hiatus.
And now, I'm ready to serve back my purpose. which is none other than serving others. My usual bloghopping and facebook-ing brought alot of attention to what has been going around with people. I just simply cant bear to see people in hardship and me doing nothing when I clearly know how to alleviate their feelings or set it right for them. Then again, I've learnt I cant always help everyone and I gotta let it go with some people. Sigh. sucks ass but all I can do is pray they'll get through or the right one is there to help them along the way. which reminds me bout poor Haz. I really wish I knew what she's going through but I guess I aint one to know because she aint telling me.
My time in NS has made me realise how fragile bonds of friendship are over time. Unless there is a constant strengthening such as reminding one another how grateful you are, sacrificing some time from your work or leisure to see them. I wish my friends knew how much I sacrificed for them in the past. I never asked for anything in return but I only wish they'd understand how I felt. The world is literally becoming more fragile in every way. I cant help but see how people begin to slowly drift apart like the earth tectonic plates begin to slowly shift apart.
How coincidental that I came across Aisha's fb status:
So many people drifting apart here and there. So many people busybusybusy.
How I really wish I could impart this to others. We'd all be so much happier. I'm sure of it.
Dear God, please strengthen my resolve to serve the people around me. To be a better person to all and to give them the best of myself. Because every soul can be saved and everyone deserves that chance of redemption, love, companionship, courage and wisdom. Amin
I have never felt this free before. Free in my heart.
I havent felt that great weight in my heart or shoulders since a long time.
Since God-knows-when, I've always subconsciously blamed it on a lot of things or never got the hang of it. heh. In the midst of helping others, I ended helping myself. Its odd that people's problems became my problems in the process. I must be too overly-sensitive or something.
And now, I feel the pure joy of freedom. I feel truly alive and like my true self.
I'm back from that long hiatus.
And now, I'm ready to serve back my purpose. which is none other than serving others. My usual bloghopping and facebook-ing brought alot of attention to what has been going around with people. I just simply cant bear to see people in hardship and me doing nothing when I clearly know how to alleviate their feelings or set it right for them. Then again, I've learnt I cant always help everyone and I gotta let it go with some people. Sigh. sucks ass but all I can do is pray they'll get through or the right one is there to help them along the way. which reminds me bout poor Haz. I really wish I knew what she's going through but I guess I aint one to know because she aint telling me.
My time in NS has made me realise how fragile bonds of friendship are over time. Unless there is a constant strengthening such as reminding one another how grateful you are, sacrificing some time from your work or leisure to see them. I wish my friends knew how much I sacrificed for them in the past. I never asked for anything in return but I only wish they'd understand how I felt. The world is literally becoming more fragile in every way. I cant help but see how people begin to slowly drift apart like the earth tectonic plates begin to slowly shift apart.
How coincidental that I came across Aisha's fb status:
Sigh. It just saddens me that most people I know didnt feel that way a long time ago. Thankfully for Aisha, I'm glad she realises this, that people come and go. But for my friends, or even the closer acquaintances, I dont want them to regret this in the long future. I wish people wouldnt place so much thought or emphasis on anything else other than the true bonds of friendship and pursuit of knowledge in their lives. Because I know somehow or another we're all gonna make it even with or without a degree or a high paying job.Im sounding like some old man but I've followed this thus far and I've always been happy. Always.
So many people drifting apart here and there. So many people busybusybusy.
How I really wish I could impart this to others. We'd all be so much happier. I'm sure of it.
Dear God, please strengthen my resolve to serve the people around me. To be a better person to all and to give them the best of myself. Because every soul can be saved and everyone deserves that chance of redemption, love, companionship, courage and wisdom. Amin
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
I'm not afraid anymore. I no longer want to suppress my own feelings nor let my own fears change me into what I'm not.
I no longer fear to show the world how much I love what I love the things around me, the people in my life and the things I do. Nothing shall sap me of my determination nor cast doubts or insecurities over my sacrifices and faith in people.
My time in NS has given me the insight to truly appreciate the beauty and sanctity of so many things. I strongly believe in this calling which I am meant to dedicate my life to. Yet before one can defend all that he loves, he must first accept the love of others. That was something I denied myself for a very long time. I've been given this clean slate of life called "NS" and its stripped me down to my inner self.
And I feel so alive now. I've never more like myself in my entire life than this moment now. with all the people in my life, though so few, yet so dear and precious to me. I dont care if my life forfeit or not. All that I ever want to do is to go on living my life to its full extent for the sake of those I hold so dear to my heart
I no longer fear to show the world how much I love what I love the things around me, the people in my life and the things I do. Nothing shall sap me of my determination nor cast doubts or insecurities over my sacrifices and faith in people.
My time in NS has given me the insight to truly appreciate the beauty and sanctity of so many things. I strongly believe in this calling which I am meant to dedicate my life to. Yet before one can defend all that he loves, he must first accept the love of others. That was something I denied myself for a very long time. I've been given this clean slate of life called "NS" and its stripped me down to my inner self.
And I feel so alive now. I've never more like myself in my entire life than this moment now. with all the people in my life, though so few, yet so dear and precious to me. I dont care if my life forfeit or not. All that I ever want to do is to go on living my life to its full extent for the sake of those I hold so dear to my heart
Friday, June 17, 2011
My time alone this week has been....
For most of my life,I gave all that I could for others. I thought of them before myself.
I didnt ask for anything in return.
I felt it was just too much to ask anyone for the slightest bit of anything. I wouldnt ask from them if they werent the least bit willing. I never learnt to pluck up the courage to even ask for help (or love in that sense).
Yet I dont know why I did all that I could to help others and love them unconditionally.
In spite of all that I did for them, I couldnt help myself.
Now I'm reaping the full consequences after years.
I remember the feeling of being absolutely lost and scared whenever I accomplished my task of helping others. Its like you have no idea where to go or what to do when you finish something. I only found courage and hope for the sake of helping others. But now that I have no choice to help others but myself in this stage of life, I find myself truly lost like never before.
Reminds me of the last words from Aragorn's mother, Gilraen, from Lord Of The Rings before she died.
I gave hope to the Dunadan, but I kept no hope for myself.
Now I really dont know how to pick myself up.
For most of my life,I gave all that I could for others. I thought of them before myself.
I didnt ask for anything in return.
I felt it was just too much to ask anyone for the slightest bit of anything. I wouldnt ask from them if they werent the least bit willing. I never learnt to pluck up the courage to even ask for help (or love in that sense).
Yet I dont know why I did all that I could to help others and love them unconditionally.
In spite of all that I did for them, I couldnt help myself.
Now I'm reaping the full consequences after years.
I remember the feeling of being absolutely lost and scared whenever I accomplished my task of helping others. Its like you have no idea where to go or what to do when you finish something. I only found courage and hope for the sake of helping others. But now that I have no choice to help others but myself in this stage of life, I find myself truly lost like never before.
Reminds me of the last words from Aragorn's mother, Gilraen, from Lord Of The Rings before she died.
I gave hope to the Dunadan, but I kept no hope for myself.
Now I really dont know how to pick myself up.
Friday, May 6, 2011
It's a little strange.
I feel like I'm sharing my thoughts with God alone when I'm typing this out.
Months ago, I was at a point in life where my feelings were stagnant. Relationships and love were kept to a platonic level. Fast forward to now and here I am where I feel like every small thing suddenly means a thousand times more than it actually is.
I made myself focus on my life ahead. To focus on whats to come. To mentally prepare the challenges and the new life I would embrace. The first step was to focus on myself. Something I find rarely easy to do. Just a few days ago, I got what I wanted.
I managed to distance my mind and feelings off from EVERYONE. from jo, my unit, family,friends and everyone else. I thought of my own self sustenance and well-being.
And I see a world which horrified me.
I would become less sensitive as before and find it difficult to empathise with people. I would become a man who has no sense of his own self which I had realised a little earlier but didnt comprehend well enough. Sigh.
And now I find myself back to square one.
I cannot bear to not be there when they need help.
I cannot bear not to be there to look after them.
I fear for their own misguidance from the harm of so much falsehoods and ignorance.
I do not want them to feel the angst and hurt that I felt without reprieve and be numbed for years
I do not want them to feel as though they were abandoned.
Sigh
I plainly understand now why people call me an old man but it doesnt matter one bit. I'd rather be an old man who'd look after all of them than be a man who has his life fulfilled when he can help those around him.
Now I know why I returned to Dunman and the Corps because I couldnt bear to see the state of the unit and the kids being left like that without any help. I wanted to prevent the kids from becoming what I was when I was a cadet.
Now I remember why I chose to become a parade commander. I wanted people to realise what it meant to be looked upon. But for myself, I wanted to be the PC because I needed people to realise about what was missing from all that I ever did.
why I never got promoted (not that it matters)
why my unit has been in such a state and what I could not do to galvanise itself
why I was still there after so long. I had hoped they would find the answer to why I was still there.
For most part of my life so far, I've lived for others.
Now I have to live for myself. And there was never been a more daunting task than this. How easy it would be for others to do that yet I find it tumultous.
But as Mahir and Azman put it, I have a choice to make.
To chiong all the way or keng all the way. You cant go in between and do both.
Either I live my life for myself from now on OR I continue to live my life for others from now on.
I have a choice to make. or has it already been decided for me?
I feel like I'm sharing my thoughts with God alone when I'm typing this out.
Months ago, I was at a point in life where my feelings were stagnant. Relationships and love were kept to a platonic level. Fast forward to now and here I am where I feel like every small thing suddenly means a thousand times more than it actually is.
I made myself focus on my life ahead. To focus on whats to come. To mentally prepare the challenges and the new life I would embrace. The first step was to focus on myself. Something I find rarely easy to do. Just a few days ago, I got what I wanted.
I managed to distance my mind and feelings off from EVERYONE. from jo, my unit, family,friends and everyone else. I thought of my own self sustenance and well-being.
And I see a world which horrified me.
I would become less sensitive as before and find it difficult to empathise with people. I would become a man who has no sense of his own self which I had realised a little earlier but didnt comprehend well enough. Sigh.
And now I find myself back to square one.
I cannot bear to not be there when they need help.
I cannot bear not to be there to look after them.
I fear for their own misguidance from the harm of so much falsehoods and ignorance.
I do not want them to feel the angst and hurt that I felt without reprieve and be numbed for years
I do not want them to feel as though they were abandoned.
Sigh
I plainly understand now why people call me an old man but it doesnt matter one bit. I'd rather be an old man who'd look after all of them than be a man who has his life fulfilled when he can help those around him.
Now I know why I returned to Dunman and the Corps because I couldnt bear to see the state of the unit and the kids being left like that without any help. I wanted to prevent the kids from becoming what I was when I was a cadet.
Now I remember why I chose to become a parade commander. I wanted people to realise what it meant to be looked upon. But for myself, I wanted to be the PC because I needed people to realise about what was missing from all that I ever did.
why I never got promoted (not that it matters)
why my unit has been in such a state and what I could not do to galvanise itself
why I was still there after so long. I had hoped they would find the answer to why I was still there.
For most part of my life so far, I've lived for others.
Now I have to live for myself. And there was never been a more daunting task than this. How easy it would be for others to do that yet I find it tumultous.
But as Mahir and Azman put it, I have a choice to make.
To chiong all the way or keng all the way. You cant go in between and do both.
Either I live my life for myself from now on OR I continue to live my life for others from now on.
I have a choice to make. or has it already been decided for me?
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Oh God, if this is my punishment for any sin, then guide me along to realize my mistake and to learn from it. Oh God, please do not burden me with more than we can bear. Please grant her eternal happiness
Please bestow your blessings upon us and give us the courage to overcome this challenge.
Oh God, please have mercy and let the best be brought out between us
Please bestow your blessings upon us and give us the courage to overcome this challenge.
Oh God, please have mercy and let the best be brought out between us
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Is this why I'm pushed away by people? because I was deemed to be too good?
Is this why I have so few close friends who truly understand me?
Sigh.
All I ever wanted was to live my life to the fullest. Every minute counted. Every action whole hearted.
I never wanted to be a great person. I just wanted to be seen as an equal by everyone. I wanted to learn in school. Strive hard for everything. Be a good person that I can be. Find my own limits in life. Was that really too much? All I ever wanted was to be someone everyone could be proud of and me doing the same in the return.
Oh whats the point.
I never wanted to be great. I never wanted power. I never wanted to be looked up by others and be expected to do great things. I never asked for it either. I never wanted all those because I wanted to live my life for those around me.
I want to live my simple life and be happy for myself and for everyone.Oh God, this is ridiculous what I'm doing.
What I REALLY want is to live my life for someone or at least someone by my side.
Is this why I have so few close friends who truly understand me?
Sigh.
All I ever wanted was to live my life to the fullest. Every minute counted. Every action whole hearted.
I never wanted to be a great person. I just wanted to be seen as an equal by everyone. I wanted to learn in school. Strive hard for everything. Be a good person that I can be. Find my own limits in life. Was that really too much? All I ever wanted was to be someone everyone could be proud of and me doing the same in the return.
Oh whats the point.
I never wanted to be great. I never wanted power. I never wanted to be looked up by others and be expected to do great things. I never asked for it either. I never wanted all those because I wanted to live my life for those around me.
I want to live my simple life and be happy for myself and for everyone.Oh God, this is ridiculous what I'm doing.
What I REALLY want is to live my life for someone or at least someone by my side.
Friday, April 15, 2011
O Allah, Ever have You given me the best of what was best for me. I am ever grateful to every blessing and hardship that you have bestowed upon me. Ever have You been the Al-Wali (protecting friend) to me in times of need. You are truly the Great.
I am thankful to have been bestowed this honour by You. I am thankful to have completed my education. I am thankful for the family that I have though it is drifted. I am thankful to have the knowledge and wisdom that you have granted me. I am thankful for the food I eat and the clothes on my back.I am thankful for the friends you have brought into my life.
Oh God, Please protect her from all evil. Please give her the strength and courage in times of need and hardship. Please guide her along the right path in life and not toward waywardness. Let her be the very best of all that she is. Bestow on her the strength and courage that you have bestowed upon me and others. Let her not feel any ill-heartedness and misgivings nor let ill-heartedness or misgiving fall toward her. Let her not feel the hunger nor the fatigue so that she may be swayed. Grant her the knowledge and wisdom to light her path to be a Please let me be the best of what a good friend can be to her. Please forgive her sins and do not impose blame upon her if she has forgotten or erred. Let her not be blamed for any misdeed that she did not commit. Lay not a burden upon her that she has no ability to bear. Please forgive me for my misdeeds, harsh words or any form of harm that I have unintentionally inflicted on her for they were NEVER my intentions.
I have faith in You to grant the best for her for you are All-knowing and Al-mighty.
Oh Allah, my words do not represent the clear meaning of my heart but only You truly understand me. Please save me from my own carelessness of my hands, mouth, eyes and ears. Save me from my own forgetfulness and inadequacy.
Oh Allah, hear my prayers for my friend
I am thankful to have been bestowed this honour by You. I am thankful to have completed my education. I am thankful for the family that I have though it is drifted. I am thankful to have the knowledge and wisdom that you have granted me. I am thankful for the food I eat and the clothes on my back.I am thankful for the friends you have brought into my life.
Oh God, Please protect her from all evil. Please give her the strength and courage in times of need and hardship. Please guide her along the right path in life and not toward waywardness. Let her be the very best of all that she is. Bestow on her the strength and courage that you have bestowed upon me and others. Let her not feel any ill-heartedness and misgivings nor let ill-heartedness or misgiving fall toward her. Let her not feel the hunger nor the fatigue so that she may be swayed. Grant her the knowledge and wisdom to light her path to be a Please let me be the best of what a good friend can be to her. Please forgive her sins and do not impose blame upon her if she has forgotten or erred. Let her not be blamed for any misdeed that she did not commit. Lay not a burden upon her that she has no ability to bear. Please forgive me for my misdeeds, harsh words or any form of harm that I have unintentionally inflicted on her for they were NEVER my intentions.
I have faith in You to grant the best for her for you are All-knowing and Al-mighty.
Oh Allah, my words do not represent the clear meaning of my heart but only You truly understand me. Please save me from my own carelessness of my hands, mouth, eyes and ears. Save me from my own forgetfulness and inadequacy.
Oh Allah, hear my prayers for my friend
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
I'm just sad and hurt that you didnt tell me. I feel I committed a big sin to you by making you feel like that today. The night you broke up with azri, I promised myself that I would look after you and never make you feel afraid, lost or unwanted. I'm not good at my own actions and words but I thought you'd understand the intentions from my heart and see through my words.
I thought that you'd have the courage to tell me just about everything even if it concerned me. But I was wrong.
I'm just simply building back my wall because we're better off that way. My own mistakes would just keep on hurting you and I dont want that to happen. Please dont argue with me about this after reading that. You'd have to agree that I was much better before I broke down that wall. I broke down that wall because I trusted you to help me without it but it hasnt been helping me much.
I'm sorry I expected so much out of you because I looked up to you. I still do look up to you though.
I better stop here before I get misunderstood. I'm really too exhausted to think and finish off what I want to say
I thought that you'd have the courage to tell me just about everything even if it concerned me. But I was wrong.
I'm just simply building back my wall because we're better off that way. My own mistakes would just keep on hurting you and I dont want that to happen. Please dont argue with me about this after reading that. You'd have to agree that I was much better before I broke down that wall. I broke down that wall because I trusted you to help me without it but it hasnt been helping me much.
I'm sorry I expected so much out of you because I looked up to you. I still do look up to you though.
I better stop here before I get misunderstood. I'm really too exhausted to think and finish off what I want to say
Monday, March 28, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Ah heck. If only blogger was like tumblr.
So anyway, I saw this on md's blog.
Saw this at a website from a friend...
ISLAM IS BEAUTIFUL
"Dont marry this 6 females;those who are ananah, mananah, hananah, hadaqah, baraqah, syadaqah." - Imam Al-Ghazali
Ananah:
A girl who always complains and nags and can be whiny
-Even acting as if she's sick or in pain just for some attention
Mananah:
A girl who likes to "ungkit" or repeat old stories to make you feel bad
-Like saying, "how could you! I did all those things for you!" OR "its your turn this time, that day i did that for you"
Hananah:
A girl who shows affection and express love to other men other than her 1 husband
-Maybe to her EX? like.... "my ex was the best" or directly talking with desires to other men
Hadaqah:
A girl who once chance or look upon something nice, would express her desire to own them AND forces her husband to buy!
Sooner or later you'll be bankrupt! hahah! get out!
Baraqah:
1) A girl who always make-up and touch-up her face the WHOLE DAY! never failing and dieing to look gorgeous to all men other than her husband.
2) A girl who may be angry while eating or feasting, to the extent of wanting to eat alone...
Syadaqah:
A girl who talks alot of unnecessary words which are redundant, unimportant, repetitive and noisy! NAGGY?
This is sooo true, i wouldnt want my future wife to be any of these
Okay you know WHO not to choose already ryte? hahaha
So anyway, I saw this on md's blog.
Saw this at a website from a friend...
ISLAM IS BEAUTIFUL
"Dont marry this 6 females;those who are ananah, mananah, hananah, hadaqah, baraqah, syadaqah." - Imam Al-Ghazali
Ananah:
A girl who always complains and nags and can be whiny
-Even acting as if she's sick or in pain just for some attention
Mananah:
A girl who likes to "ungkit" or repeat old stories to make you feel bad
-Like saying, "how could you! I did all those things for you!" OR "its your turn this time, that day i did that for you"
Hananah:
A girl who shows affection and express love to other men other than her 1 husband
-Maybe to her EX? like.... "my ex was the best" or directly talking with desires to other men
Hadaqah:
A girl who once chance or look upon something nice, would express her desire to own them AND forces her husband to buy!
Sooner or later you'll be bankrupt! hahah! get out!
Baraqah:
1) A girl who always make-up and touch-up her face the WHOLE DAY! never failing and dieing to look gorgeous to all men other than her husband.
2) A girl who may be angry while eating or feasting, to the extent of wanting to eat alone...
Syadaqah:
A girl who talks alot of unnecessary words which are redundant, unimportant, repetitive and noisy! NAGGY?
This is sooo true, i wouldnt want my future wife to be any of these
Okay you know WHO not to choose already ryte? hahaha
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
I hate to admit it but I've realised how easily my life is affected by people around me which clearly is good and bad. The bad part however, is that I realised how often I'd be thinking about them.
How I'd prioritise their welfare above mine unless it was not needed for me.
How I'd be always placing myself in their shoes.
How to make life better for them.
I'd even go to the extent of following their example.
All that is bad, no wait, unhealthy to some extent because I'd lose myself. Sigh.
I did all that because I cared. There were some days where my priorities lay to people only. Not the single nor the smallest thought for myself. In a nutshell, my actions are easily influenced by those around me.
Here are classic examples.
My unit chairman just replied my sms with one word, "okay" and I'm wondering the circumstances in which she might forget what I tell her, the whole scene which she might be in that she should forget and bla3. Silly me to think so large about something so small because it was just a reminder!
My mom just told me to put the rice and remaining dishes into the fridge. Since I'm gonna fall asleep soon, I thought of msg-ing my sister to do it when she reaches home. But some part inside tells me she wont bother and a bigger part of me tells me I shouldnt bother her.
Ah. I'd always be ready to help. I'd go to the other end of SG on a night like this if I'm needed to. I'd do anything. really. The feeling of knowing you're needed just drains away any fatigue and gives you a strength for you to raise up others. Thats the only reason why I'm able to socialise and get along well with others.
But I'm finally burnt out.
Now my head begins to constantly ache and spin after thinking so much. My body begins to wear out even more. No amount of skin care is gonna make my face look any younger after so much thoughts. Goodness, I feel even more tired DURING a unit training than AFTER finishing the urbanathlon! and to think the urbanathlon is 14km with 9 obstacles! I'm intentionally losing that side of me. I gave my mind, heart and soul every single day and all three are worn out. I cant go for one single day without thinking or worrying for anyone and all the ways I'd think to help them out
Let me be selfish and think for my own now. I havent been getting a chance to be kind to myself, to do the real things that I want to do without giving a THOUGHT to anyone nor hearing anyone's advice ringing in my head all the time. I need to find the right balance between myself and others. but it seems like my life's purpose has always been a servant.
Oh God, give me the strength to seek the balance of self and service. Guide me on the right path always.
Sidetrack: I thought about this deeply and I'll say that the one thing I want most is a family. I dont care if I dont make it to university or struggle to find a job and make ends meet in the meantime.
I dont want to live alone nor without love. I want nothing more than a simple life, loving family and meaningful days to spend with them.
How I'd prioritise their welfare above mine unless it was not needed for me.
How I'd be always placing myself in their shoes.
How to make life better for them.
I'd even go to the extent of following their example.
All that is bad, no wait, unhealthy to some extent because I'd lose myself. Sigh.
I did all that because I cared. There were some days where my priorities lay to people only. Not the single nor the smallest thought for myself. In a nutshell, my actions are easily influenced by those around me.
Here are classic examples.
My unit chairman just replied my sms with one word, "okay" and I'm wondering the circumstances in which she might forget what I tell her, the whole scene which she might be in that she should forget and bla3. Silly me to think so large about something so small because it was just a reminder!
My mom just told me to put the rice and remaining dishes into the fridge. Since I'm gonna fall asleep soon, I thought of msg-ing my sister to do it when she reaches home. But some part inside tells me she wont bother and a bigger part of me tells me I shouldnt bother her.
Ah. I'd always be ready to help. I'd go to the other end of SG on a night like this if I'm needed to. I'd do anything. really. The feeling of knowing you're needed just drains away any fatigue and gives you a strength for you to raise up others. Thats the only reason why I'm able to socialise and get along well with others.
But I'm finally burnt out.
Now my head begins to constantly ache and spin after thinking so much. My body begins to wear out even more. No amount of skin care is gonna make my face look any younger after so much thoughts. Goodness, I feel even more tired DURING a unit training than AFTER finishing the urbanathlon! and to think the urbanathlon is 14km with 9 obstacles! I'm intentionally losing that side of me. I gave my mind, heart and soul every single day and all three are worn out. I cant go for one single day without thinking or worrying for anyone and all the ways I'd think to help them out
Let me be selfish and think for my own now. I havent been getting a chance to be kind to myself, to do the real things that I want to do without giving a THOUGHT to anyone nor hearing anyone's advice ringing in my head all the time. I need to find the right balance between myself and others. but it seems like my life's purpose has always been a servant.
Oh God, give me the strength to seek the balance of self and service. Guide me on the right path always.
Sidetrack: I thought about this deeply and I'll say that the one thing I want most is a family. I dont care if I dont make it to university or struggle to find a job and make ends meet in the meantime.
I dont want to live alone nor without love. I want nothing more than a simple life, loving family and meaningful days to spend with them.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
To be hearing someone's problems requires a great deal of sensitivity and inner strength. To be able to empathise is key.
IT SIMPLY ISNT JUST LISTENING TO A PERSON CRAP HIS/HER HEART OUT. GET THAT RIGHT!
You have to empathise with the person. Imagine yourself in his/her shoes whenever they're relating it to you. Imagine yourself going through whatever it is they're going through. You gotta drop every perception and self-values in order to do that. A non-committal response aint right either.
And for goodness sake, at least spare some time every now and then to think what they've said and at least have it in your heart to think what would be best for them.
If you know you dont have it in your heart to not listen, it would be kinder to tell them you cant listen just yet. A true friend would understand and wouldnt disappoint
IT SIMPLY ISNT JUST LISTENING TO A PERSON CRAP HIS/HER HEART OUT. GET THAT RIGHT!
You have to empathise with the person. Imagine yourself in his/her shoes whenever they're relating it to you. Imagine yourself going through whatever it is they're going through. You gotta drop every perception and self-values in order to do that. A non-committal response aint right either.
And for goodness sake, at least spare some time every now and then to think what they've said and at least have it in your heart to think what would be best for them.
If you know you dont have it in your heart to not listen, it would be kinder to tell them you cant listen just yet. A true friend would understand and wouldnt disappoint
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Thank God my friend, Taufiq, has awoken from his coma after 6 days. A pity that I left just a few minutes before when he awoke.
Seeing him on life support and his eyes wide open made me really reflect so much more.
I guess God had a plan for him when He put them into an accident. He also must have had something in store when He made my other two classmates exchange seats in that car. But whatever it was, that plan was for the best. Maybe He wanted us to learn something from it all. Maybe He put them through this accident to prevent a greater burden from befalling on them. The Almighty is all-seeing and He does not burden a soul with anything more than it can bear. He showed mercy on Taufiq for if He put Taufiq in this state which was for the best, then I cannot imagine what worse things would happen to Taufiq if he didnt get into that accident.
The doctors were wondering why Taufiq wasnt awake. That after all the care and help of machines given to him, why was he still in that state.
Well, I believe a greater force was at work that day.
All praise be to Allah.
Seeing him on life support and his eyes wide open made me really reflect so much more.
I guess God had a plan for him when He put them into an accident. He also must have had something in store when He made my other two classmates exchange seats in that car. But whatever it was, that plan was for the best. Maybe He wanted us to learn something from it all. Maybe He put them through this accident to prevent a greater burden from befalling on them. The Almighty is all-seeing and He does not burden a soul with anything more than it can bear. He showed mercy on Taufiq for if He put Taufiq in this state which was for the best, then I cannot imagine what worse things would happen to Taufiq if he didnt get into that accident.
The doctors were wondering why Taufiq wasnt awake. That after all the care and help of machines given to him, why was he still in that state.
Well, I believe a greater force was at work that day.
All praise be to Allah.
Monday, February 14, 2011
An excerpt from the song "N Dey Say" by Nelly
i used to think that life had a plan for me
until i realized life had to be planned by me
see that's the key i only deal wit what i can see
cuz over history, mystery brought us nothin but misery
It was this part that made me recall the first time I heard this song a few years ago. The first two lines made realised how fragile, vulnerable and lost we'd be if we had no real focus of what we'd wanna be. The key was to start discovering ourselves first. Knowing what we love to do most, what values we uphold deeply, what qualities we demonstrate strongly and what character we portray clearly. I used to be doing many things because the core quality I was striving for was versatility. It sounds like asking too much for oneself to be versatile but it suited me pretty fine especially since it was only just secondary school. Juggling two ccas, relationship, friends and studies didnt seem too much of a hassle.
However, the third line clearly described what I was doing. I only dealt with what I can see. I didnt think about what would come after. To put it bluntly, there was no concrete idea of what I'd wanna do with my future. So I continued to chase myself to be versatile at a much higher level, thinking I would discover myself further in the process.
But it turned out quite........shit i lost my train of thought. Whats the word for 'shooting yourself in the foot'?
Anyway, the more I'd do, the more I questioned my own character and full purpose. What was worse is that most actions was done out of impulse, though much thought was placed into it. To be living life with such unplanned motives and direction truly is disconcerting. heh.
But these past few days, I've given a fair amount of thought of who I'd wanna be and what I'd have to be in mind,heart and soul.
Before I go further, what defines a simple life?
i used to think that life had a plan for me
until i realized life had to be planned by me
see that's the key i only deal wit what i can see
cuz over history, mystery brought us nothin but misery
It was this part that made me recall the first time I heard this song a few years ago. The first two lines made realised how fragile, vulnerable and lost we'd be if we had no real focus of what we'd wanna be. The key was to start discovering ourselves first. Knowing what we love to do most, what values we uphold deeply, what qualities we demonstrate strongly and what character we portray clearly. I used to be doing many things because the core quality I was striving for was versatility. It sounds like asking too much for oneself to be versatile but it suited me pretty fine especially since it was only just secondary school. Juggling two ccas, relationship, friends and studies didnt seem too much of a hassle.
However, the third line clearly described what I was doing. I only dealt with what I can see. I didnt think about what would come after. To put it bluntly, there was no concrete idea of what I'd wanna do with my future. So I continued to chase myself to be versatile at a much higher level, thinking I would discover myself further in the process.
But it turned out quite........shit i lost my train of thought. Whats the word for 'shooting yourself in the foot'?
Anyway, the more I'd do, the more I questioned my own character and full purpose. What was worse is that most actions was done out of impulse, though much thought was placed into it. To be living life with such unplanned motives and direction truly is disconcerting. heh.
But these past few days, I've given a fair amount of thought of who I'd wanna be and what I'd have to be in mind,heart and soul.
Before I go further, what defines a simple life?
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Let me pour out everything. It's gonna be a mess but I'll feel better after that
10 years ago, my ENTIRE unit strived with one goal in mind. Excellence at all levels. With teachers like Mr Joseph Chua, Mr Edmund Chow, Mr Eugene Wong and Mr Zul, we set ourselves the target of achieving that 5 years of UOPA gold. It would only be a matter of time since all these teachers were all Senior Police Officers with links to the SPF and NPCC HQ itself. They were great motivators and people who would inspire the CIs and cadets with their own hard work and support.With our principal Mrs Edelweiss Neo backing us with full support, the spirit that was instilled in all of us was unwavering.
So it held that way from 2001 and 2002. I still remember how fiercely we fought in every competition. How everyone would train for Games day and Drill Competition. then it all fell in 2003.It is difficult for me to say where it went wrong at that time. Between those times, the above mentioned teachers had begun to leave us and the unit had slowly deproved. I still remember when I was in Sec5 worrying about the state of things despite having stepped down. Between 2003-2006, the unit had slowly limped along. Thankfully, there were the older CIs like Royce and Ronald to help out. I still feel indebted to them in one way or another for their help. Though small, their impact was great. They had that uncompromising ability to inspire. To move people to take action.
Then in 2007, the unit had become a great deal stronger. Our total strength of CIs had gone up to 7 and we had the fortune to still acquire Mr Zul and Ms Si, who was a former cadet. The NCOs were a bunch of self motivated and hungry-for-success troupe though they were rowdy at times and posed a nuisance to the CIs and TOs. It was then that I realised it would not last. I had long forseen that this great determination would soon come crashing down with a variety of problems. Apparently, when those NCOs left, most of the other CIs had left as well. Suddenly, there was hardly anyone but myself left. It was like being dumped in a huge ocean without the ability to swim! I wasnt really a very active cadet back then and now I was the only active CI left to make things right. It sounded truly depressing and I can assure you it is. But nonetheless, it was a job that had to be done. I sacrificed so much time for the Corps till my school results were mediocre. But it never mattered to me. Because I dearly loved the unit and intended to instill the same love in others. I was reminded of the great passion and love that the previous NCOs,CIs,HOs and TOs had for the unit. I took it up upon myself to continue in their footsteps and fulfill what they had set in their time.
It was at this stage that strengthened my belief that if one had love strong enough, it would beget. Just like evil begets evil. Though there are countless times where I have been proven wrong, even in friendships, it only serves me to remind me that love will one day prevail. So long as you truly love someone, they will remember it and may one day follow suit to others.
Even despite all that, I had already begun to slowly lose heart and consign myself to the fact that the target may never be achieved. We had performed admirably in 2007 and nearly made it by the skin of our teeth in 2008. Then came the moment I had been dreading in 2010. Like most of the problems that came our away, I had no answer. I could not answer to the alumni and cadets. I always gave excuses and possibilities ranging from HQ to our own miscalculations. But I knew the hard truth and where it had all began. For the first time in my life, I could not find a solution.
I felt terrible. I had brought up the hopes and aspirations of so many young kids to have that same desire and passion only to let them down. I had pushed them to their limits and trained them to perform higher than their expectations. They had gained the intrinsic value but they never got rewarded as an entire unit. They were frustrated that despite all their intense efforts, they would always come up short at the end. Worse still, I felt betrayed because it all came down to something as silly as late or non submissions! When Ms Wong told me that the SCI form was never received, I knew then what had happened to all our previous SPF-NPCC and UOPA forms. If the need ever arose, I would be there to fulfill all the necessary work to do for the TOs. All they had to do was ASK! I had given my 100% and can always go beyond for the sake of the younger ones.
Sigh.That has happened twice in row for 2 years now and this year I'm sure its the same thing all over again. I'm sure of it. The young ones will be left to themselves. Whether the unit will push itself up again or not, I will no longer be there to witness it.
Nonetheless, my duty is not yet complete and there is much to be done. I wish I can stay longer but my days are numbered.
My greatest wish is that people will truly understand and take action as many others before me have done so.
10 years ago, my ENTIRE unit strived with one goal in mind. Excellence at all levels. With teachers like Mr Joseph Chua, Mr Edmund Chow, Mr Eugene Wong and Mr Zul, we set ourselves the target of achieving that 5 years of UOPA gold. It would only be a matter of time since all these teachers were all Senior Police Officers with links to the SPF and NPCC HQ itself. They were great motivators and people who would inspire the CIs and cadets with their own hard work and support.With our principal Mrs Edelweiss Neo backing us with full support, the spirit that was instilled in all of us was unwavering.
So it held that way from 2001 and 2002. I still remember how fiercely we fought in every competition. How everyone would train for Games day and Drill Competition. then it all fell in 2003.It is difficult for me to say where it went wrong at that time. Between those times, the above mentioned teachers had begun to leave us and the unit had slowly deproved. I still remember when I was in Sec5 worrying about the state of things despite having stepped down. Between 2003-2006, the unit had slowly limped along. Thankfully, there were the older CIs like Royce and Ronald to help out. I still feel indebted to them in one way or another for their help. Though small, their impact was great. They had that uncompromising ability to inspire. To move people to take action.
Then in 2007, the unit had become a great deal stronger. Our total strength of CIs had gone up to 7 and we had the fortune to still acquire Mr Zul and Ms Si, who was a former cadet. The NCOs were a bunch of self motivated and hungry-for-success troupe though they were rowdy at times and posed a nuisance to the CIs and TOs. It was then that I realised it would not last. I had long forseen that this great determination would soon come crashing down with a variety of problems. Apparently, when those NCOs left, most of the other CIs had left as well. Suddenly, there was hardly anyone but myself left. It was like being dumped in a huge ocean without the ability to swim! I wasnt really a very active cadet back then and now I was the only active CI left to make things right. It sounded truly depressing and I can assure you it is. But nonetheless, it was a job that had to be done. I sacrificed so much time for the Corps till my school results were mediocre. But it never mattered to me. Because I dearly loved the unit and intended to instill the same love in others. I was reminded of the great passion and love that the previous NCOs,CIs,HOs and TOs had for the unit. I took it up upon myself to continue in their footsteps and fulfill what they had set in their time.
It was at this stage that strengthened my belief that if one had love strong enough, it would beget. Just like evil begets evil. Though there are countless times where I have been proven wrong, even in friendships, it only serves me to remind me that love will one day prevail. So long as you truly love someone, they will remember it and may one day follow suit to others.
Even despite all that, I had already begun to slowly lose heart and consign myself to the fact that the target may never be achieved. We had performed admirably in 2007 and nearly made it by the skin of our teeth in 2008. Then came the moment I had been dreading in 2010. Like most of the problems that came our away, I had no answer. I could not answer to the alumni and cadets. I always gave excuses and possibilities ranging from HQ to our own miscalculations. But I knew the hard truth and where it had all began. For the first time in my life, I could not find a solution.
I felt terrible. I had brought up the hopes and aspirations of so many young kids to have that same desire and passion only to let them down. I had pushed them to their limits and trained them to perform higher than their expectations. They had gained the intrinsic value but they never got rewarded as an entire unit. They were frustrated that despite all their intense efforts, they would always come up short at the end. Worse still, I felt betrayed because it all came down to something as silly as late or non submissions! When Ms Wong told me that the SCI form was never received, I knew then what had happened to all our previous SPF-NPCC and UOPA forms. If the need ever arose, I would be there to fulfill all the necessary work to do for the TOs. All they had to do was ASK! I had given my 100% and can always go beyond for the sake of the younger ones.
Sigh.That has happened twice in row for 2 years now and this year I'm sure its the same thing all over again. I'm sure of it. The young ones will be left to themselves. Whether the unit will push itself up again or not, I will no longer be there to witness it.
Nonetheless, my duty is not yet complete and there is much to be done. I wish I can stay longer but my days are numbered.
My greatest wish is that people will truly understand and take action as many others before me have done so.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Angel lyrics
Songwriters: Mclachlan, Sarah;
Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
So tired of the straight line
(From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sarah-mcLachlan-lyrics/angel-lyrics.html)
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting
Keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness
Oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
Songwriters: Mclachlan, Sarah;
Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
So tired of the straight line
(From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sarah-mcLachlan-lyrics/angel-lyrics.html)
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting
Keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness
Oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Its funny how the world really works eh? The way it goes about just makes you think about it more and more.
I had a feeling last night wasnt a really good time to go the pond.
And indeed it wasnt!
My faithful rod that has been with me for 4 years snapped. Ah well, I had good memories with it so I wont complain about the night any further.
Anyway, I was looking through the NAA/DC section application to NTU. I realised with great..ah...that dumb R word...REGRET..that obviously I should have followed my own passions in the past.
There were two out of four criterias which I could have made so much more appealing.
The part that really gripes me is the sports section! All those bunches of medals gathering rust and trophies gathering dust (HEY THAT RHYMED!) were just sports day, cross country and inter house competitions. It might have been different if I carried on in the TP track & field team. sigh. To think it was my passion for years..and still is though. Ah well, at least I have Changi United for now. Although the football passion isnt burning as bright as for running, I'll follow through on it for my NYAA.
Then I'll really follow through on that childhood dream of athletics.
Now why is a whole post dedicated to this? Because my gpa clearly aint good enough for anything!
I had a feeling last night wasnt a really good time to go the pond.
And indeed it wasnt!
My faithful rod that has been with me for 4 years snapped. Ah well, I had good memories with it so I wont complain about the night any further.
Anyway, I was looking through the NAA/DC section application to NTU. I realised with great..ah...that dumb R word...REGRET..that obviously I should have followed my own passions in the past.
There were two out of four criterias which I could have made so much more appealing.
- Active involvement/participation in community services and/or volunteering work
- Demonstrated excellence in areas such as leadership, entrepreneurship, arts & culture, sports, etc
The part that really gripes me is the sports section! All those bunches of medals gathering rust and trophies gathering dust (HEY THAT RHYMED!) were just sports day, cross country and inter house competitions. It might have been different if I carried on in the TP track & field team. sigh. To think it was my passion for years..and still is though. Ah well, at least I have Changi United for now. Although the football passion isnt burning as bright as for running, I'll follow through on it for my NYAA.
Then I'll really follow through on that childhood dream of athletics.
Now why is a whole post dedicated to this? Because my gpa clearly aint good enough for anything!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Allah has answered my prayers as He always does.
I am eternally grateful. Coincidentally, such answers to my thoughts come late at night. heh. After all, 2am-4am are the times when one is really close to Allah.
All those thoughts about life and deeds are clearer in our mind in the wee hours of the morning. As such, its really helped me get through the day much better. I cant imagine myself being so dispirited all day. So anyway, after last nights conversation, the answer to my confusion was delivered. Ahh, I'm returning more and more to myself with each passing day
I have more self-belief now.
"Just hold on. I figured myself out"
I am eternally grateful. Coincidentally, such answers to my thoughts come late at night. heh. After all, 2am-4am are the times when one is really close to Allah.
All those thoughts about life and deeds are clearer in our mind in the wee hours of the morning. As such, its really helped me get through the day much better. I cant imagine myself being so dispirited all day. So anyway, after last nights conversation, the answer to my confusion was delivered. Ahh, I'm returning more and more to myself with each passing day
I have more self-belief now.
"Just hold on. I figured myself out"
Sunday, January 30, 2011
I received an email entitled: 100 tanda-tanda kematian
which means 100 signs of death.
Well well..of all things to receive. But anyway, everyone dies sooner or later. We should all prepare ourselves as though we'll live forever and prepare ourselves as though we'll die tomorrow.
Besides, whatever course of action we take in life, it pre-destines everything no? whether we'll be closer to death or not.
which means 100 signs of death.
Well well..of all things to receive. But anyway, everyone dies sooner or later. We should all prepare ourselves as though we'll live forever and prepare ourselves as though we'll die tomorrow.
Besides, whatever course of action we take in life, it pre-destines everything no? whether we'll be closer to death or not.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
I just completed making what will be the best tasting sandwich I've ever made!
But I dont think I'll make a better one. haha.
Apparently, I just realised how different ham is from other prepared forms of meat. It was maddening to see how I experimented on it so much and yet nothing changed! @#%$&!
So with that, it seems I've re-discovered that entrepreneurship feeling again of starting that long-forgotten sandwich business! That is if Subway still doesnt provide Halal food! (which I keep wondering why it still doesnt!)
Now what should I experiment with for my next sandwich?
But I dont think I'll make a better one. haha.
Apparently, I just realised how different ham is from other prepared forms of meat. It was maddening to see how I experimented on it so much and yet nothing changed! @#%$&!
So with that, it seems I've re-discovered that entrepreneurship feeling again of starting that long-forgotten sandwich business! That is if Subway still doesnt provide Halal food! (which I keep wondering why it still doesnt!)
Now what should I experiment with for my next sandwich?
Friday, January 28, 2011
2am to 4am are the hours in which you are closest to God. Its within these hours that I think alot about life and whatever small or big little thing that was either the past,present or future.
But the thoughts are similar in one way or another
I really wish people would figure out the answers to life like I did.
So now my question beckons,
How do you help someone to find the answers of life like you did? You know what, I'll ask God.
Because He always has the best plan for us unless what we're asking from Him already is the best plan lah.
But the thoughts are similar in one way or another
I really wish people would figure out the answers to life like I did.
So now my question beckons,
How do you help someone to find the answers of life like you did? You know what, I'll ask God.
Because He always has the best plan for us unless what we're asking from Him already is the best plan lah.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
A fish that strikes on the fishing hook is yours for reeling in. For some fishes though, you gotta be quick to jerk the rod up when it strikes. Thats to ensure the hook sinks in properly.
If you're late by just half a second,
If you hesitate,
If you blink an eye,
then its gone.
Moral of the story? You gotta be real sure of what you want. You gotta be ready for anything. You gotta be on your toes and grab it while you can. Because its here for one moment and then...
Life's like that huh? You can never take things slow all the time
If you're late by just half a second,
If you hesitate,
If you blink an eye,
then its gone.
Moral of the story? You gotta be real sure of what you want. You gotta be ready for anything. You gotta be on your toes and grab it while you can. Because its here for one moment and then...
Life's like that huh? You can never take things slow all the time
The 4 days of solitude has given me plenty of time to decipher the myriad of feelings and thoughts.
Those dreams that I've been having were all linked up together to form up that huge nightmare. It reflected back onto those mental blocks which I've subconsciously created. That nightmare brought out all those old fears and insecurities. I never ever had such a dream before and I aint letting it take over me like this. Those walls did shield but ended up becoming barriers itself. Barriers to my own fulfillment and understanding. I've got too little time and too much energy to waste on my own self-procured nonsense.
I've had enough of living in my own fears. I'm done doubting my own actions and will.
Those dreams that I've been having were all linked up together to form up that huge nightmare. It reflected back onto those mental blocks which I've subconsciously created. That nightmare brought out all those old fears and insecurities. I never ever had such a dream before and I aint letting it take over me like this. Those walls did shield but ended up becoming barriers itself. Barriers to my own fulfillment and understanding. I've got too little time and too much energy to waste on my own self-procured nonsense.
I've had enough of living in my own fears. I'm done doubting my own actions and will.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
So my time is up.
I will not question its possibilities or reflect until it is over.I knew this was coming. I knew the challenges I would face. I am always reminded that I'm a servant and shall never waiver in my duty NOR in my resolve
By God, I will not abandon this test of time and faith.
Allah does not impose upon any soul a duty but to the extent of its ability; for it is (the benefit of) what it has earned and upon it (the evil of) what it has wrought: Our Lord! do not punish us if we forget or make a mistake; Our Lord! do not lay on us a burden as Thou didst lay on those before us, Our Lord do not impose upon us that which we have not the strength to bear; and pardon us and grant us protection and have mercy on us, Thou art our Patron, so help us against the unbelieving people
May the next 4 days be not in vain. Amin
I will not question its possibilities or reflect until it is over.I knew this was coming. I knew the challenges I would face. I am always reminded that I'm a servant and shall never waiver in my duty NOR in my resolve
By God, I will not abandon this test of time and faith.
May the next 4 days be not in vain. Amin
Thursday, January 20, 2011
That sinking feeling you get when you know you've given your best but................
For this journey, I was alone. Always alone except for the beginning and the end.
When it was at its peak, there was so many of us. Then as things got worse, they were nothing more than rats abandoning a sinking ship.
And it stayed that way for almost 3 years.
Now I'm almost gone and the people are returning simply because they're more free now?
But it is a selective thing. Coming back for typical reasons such as my friend come back so I also go.
Pathetic.
What a waste of effort for half a decade.
I learnt my lessons and I'm never gonna go back again
For this journey, I was alone. Always alone except for the beginning and the end.
When it was at its peak, there was so many of us. Then as things got worse, they were nothing more than rats abandoning a sinking ship.
And it stayed that way for almost 3 years.
Now I'm almost gone and the people are returning simply because they're more free now?
But it is a selective thing. Coming back for typical reasons such as my friend come back so I also go.
Pathetic.
What a waste of effort for half a decade.
I learnt my lessons and I'm never gonna go back again
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I recall a post in my old blog. Cant really remember what it was (lazy to search also.heh)
But I remember a phrase that I typed.
"We cannot live alone because we arent allowed to"
Let me improvise that.
We cannot live alone because our sole purpose in life is never limited to ourselves. There will always be people who will have a part in shaping the course of our lives. If we shun the outside world, our lives would be stagnated and it'd be.......selfless.Whatever the people we meet or the choices we make in choosing our friends, its inevitable.
If I am wrong, then
why did Clyde needed Bonnie?
why did Robin Hood needed Marian?
If anyone gave a good answer to that, then
why did God create Adam and Eve? and not only either one?
Ah. This solitude is helping greatly.
But I remember a phrase that I typed.
"We cannot live alone because we arent allowed to"
Let me improvise that.
We cannot live alone because our sole purpose in life is never limited to ourselves. There will always be people who will have a part in shaping the course of our lives. If we shun the outside world, our lives would be stagnated and it'd be.......selfless.Whatever the people we meet or the choices we make in choosing our friends, its inevitable.
If I am wrong, then
why did Clyde needed Bonnie?
why did Robin Hood needed Marian?
If anyone gave a good answer to that, then
why did God create Adam and Eve? and not only either one?
Ah. This solitude is helping greatly.
Oh, johnny wishes he was famous
Spends his time alone in the basement
With lennon and cobain and
A guitar and a stereo
And while he wishes he could escape this
But it all seems so contagious
Not to be yourself and faceless
And a song that has no soul
I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
And I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
Oh, I dreamed of losing faith and what she knows
And some music hits on the foreclose
Thinks of surgery and a new nose
And the galleries of war
And while she wishes she was a dancer
And that she’d never heard of cancer
She wishes God would give her some answers
And make her feel beautiful
I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
One day, you’ll have to let it go
You’ll have to let it go
No...
One day, you’ll stand up on your own
You’ll stand up on your own
Remember losing hope
Remember feeling low
Remember all the feelings and the day they stopped
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
We are (one day), we are all innocent
We are all innocent (you’ll have to let it go)
We are, we are (you’ll have to let it go, no..)
We are (one day), we are all innocent
We are, we are (you’ll stand up on your own)
We are, we are all innocent (you’ll stand up on your own..)
We are, we are all innocent
Monday, January 17, 2011
Stupid. seriously stupid.What was it again? stupid.
Why? Because I shot myself in the foot ALL OVER AGAIN
I helped others but I never helped myself. What was worse, I was tolerant enough to withstand all that selfishness and thoughts that were never spared for others.
What on earth do some people need to get their hearts,minds, eyes and ears open?
Does it take an accident or a misdeed to see the error of their ways?
Does it take someone to get hurt or lost before they start caring for others?
To start being true to myself...I'm taking a time out.
Because I've finally burnt myself out.
Time to just get away and disappear for as long as I like.
To everyone else, I can only say
Merci beaucoup, mes amis
Because enough is enough.
Sigh. I thought that if one always keeps on fighting for the good that he sees in another...the latter would realise and change. It is always a futile but selfless effort. An effort I believe that will pay off; that the greater good would prevail in one, no matter the length of time or sacrifice. I guess I was wrong. I tried, really. God forgive me and grant me the strength and courage to carry on again someday
Why? Because I shot myself in the foot ALL OVER AGAIN
I helped others but I never helped myself. What was worse, I was tolerant enough to withstand all that selfishness and thoughts that were never spared for others.
What on earth do some people need to get their hearts,minds, eyes and ears open?
Does it take an accident or a misdeed to see the error of their ways?
Does it take someone to get hurt or lost before they start caring for others?
To start being true to myself...I'm taking a time out.
Because I've finally burnt myself out.
Time to just get away and disappear for as long as I like.
To everyone else, I can only say
Merci beaucoup, mes amis
Because enough is enough.
Sigh. I thought that if one always keeps on fighting for the good that he sees in another...the latter would realise and change. It is always a futile but selfless effort. An effort I believe that will pay off; that the greater good would prevail in one, no matter the length of time or sacrifice. I guess I was wrong. I tried, really. God forgive me and grant me the strength and courage to carry on again someday
Sunday, January 16, 2011
I bought some cookies and cream wafers an hour ago. Cost 3.95 and I gave 4 dollars to the cashier, telling her to keep the 5 cents.
I thought about that 5 cents that I just 'donated'. At the end of the day, the cashier will have to count the money inside it, making sure it tallies correctly with the items sold. What will she do with that surplus 5 cents however?
Another question struck me however. (as I left the kiosk)
What would I do if each human being in this world donated 5 cents to me?
My first response was they shouldnt be giving it to me. I shall tell them to give it to the more needy people.
BUT...if i told the world to do THAT, I doubt many would do it.
A thought hit me as I was crossing the road from the petrol kiosk.
What if i collected all that money and I took enough safeguards to ensure it would fall in the right hands? that would be a huge plus factor to making the world a better place. then again, money is the root of all evil. Would I change halfway and end up becoming a miser? and what about the corruption, leeches and people who prey on trust? Will that money ever end up in the right hands if i let it go?
No wonder people said being rich doesnt necessarily mean you're happy or successful!
I thought about that 5 cents that I just 'donated'. At the end of the day, the cashier will have to count the money inside it, making sure it tallies correctly with the items sold. What will she do with that surplus 5 cents however?
Another question struck me however. (as I left the kiosk)
What would I do if each human being in this world donated 5 cents to me?
My first response was they shouldnt be giving it to me. I shall tell them to give it to the more needy people.
BUT...if i told the world to do THAT, I doubt many would do it.
A thought hit me as I was crossing the road from the petrol kiosk.
What if i collected all that money and I took enough safeguards to ensure it would fall in the right hands? that would be a huge plus factor to making the world a better place. then again, money is the root of all evil. Would I change halfway and end up becoming a miser? and what about the corruption, leeches and people who prey on trust? Will that money ever end up in the right hands if i let it go?
No wonder people said being rich doesnt necessarily mean you're happy or successful!
Friday, January 14, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
What a way to start the morning!
Nothing beats a wake up call.
and the sun still rises from the east.
Now then...how productive shall this day be?
Simple.
It all has to start by burning of all those fats stored up inside!
There's a marathon on 20th February 2011 and I still havent got down to serious training.
I wonder if there's anyone else joining that marathon.
The problem is....i havent found any wall for me to scale over yet. Thats what one of the obstacles will be during that marathon. I know its a piece of cake but i wanna do it properly and give my best shot for that race! Besides, its not a wall that I'll be facing but a freaking 2.6m container!. (should have practised when I had the chance while working at Jurong. hehe)
Anyway, I never fully realised how much I've missed the esplanade. Going back there stirred up the old memories that stretch back a long time ago. Strangely enough (and no link) it reminded me of the days where my squadmates and I nearly won the Charles Chong Road Relay in 2005. heh. I still gripe over the fact that we lost to Victoria school. I was the last runner and having come from 10th to 2nd was pure torture! Especially since the VS runner was just a few metres ahead! @#$!%
Oh well, at least I had that wonderful memory of that breath taking last gasp race with that Maris Stella guy who came in 3rd. ahhhh....I still remember how my proud my HO and OC were at that time. It was just simple unbelievable that we won.
Ah well, Mr Charles Chong, I shall see you bidding farewell to the Corps this saturday. That memory of the road relay will be fresh in my mind!
I should find more places to discover in Singapore. I havent seen enough!..Where to go next?
Nothing beats a wake up call.
and the sun still rises from the east.
Now then...how productive shall this day be?
Simple.
It all has to start by burning of all those fats stored up inside!
There's a marathon on 20th February 2011 and I still havent got down to serious training.
I wonder if there's anyone else joining that marathon.
The problem is....i havent found any wall for me to scale over yet. Thats what one of the obstacles will be during that marathon. I know its a piece of cake but i wanna do it properly and give my best shot for that race! Besides, its not a wall that I'll be facing but a freaking 2.6m container!. (should have practised when I had the chance while working at Jurong. hehe)
Anyway, I never fully realised how much I've missed the esplanade. Going back there stirred up the old memories that stretch back a long time ago. Strangely enough (and no link) it reminded me of the days where my squadmates and I nearly won the Charles Chong Road Relay in 2005. heh. I still gripe over the fact that we lost to Victoria school. I was the last runner and having come from 10th to 2nd was pure torture! Especially since the VS runner was just a few metres ahead! @#$!%
Oh well, at least I had that wonderful memory of that breath taking last gasp race with that Maris Stella guy who came in 3rd. ahhhh....I still remember how my proud my HO and OC were at that time. It was just simple unbelievable that we won.
Ah well, Mr Charles Chong, I shall see you bidding farewell to the Corps this saturday. That memory of the road relay will be fresh in my mind!
I should find more places to discover in Singapore. I havent seen enough!..Where to go next?
Do you know how frustrating it is when you give your best but the other party doesnt?
You sacrifice your own personal time, ease of mind, perception just so its all for the greater things. Do you know how frustrating it is when you put in so much determination but others dont give a hoot?
They say you should keep going nonetheless. You just keep on fighting. You keep on giving your 110 percent. But the problem always lies with someone who never makes that same effort.
I'm tired of running my heart out for every match I play. For seeing those goal-scoring chances missed by people who hardly give a thinker's toot. For trying to marshal people back up from their own despair. From getting too many sleepless nights because of huge abrasions and blisters that pound endlessly from sliding tackles or saves.
In retrospect, I'm worn out by those times where I've spent hours of work but the other party gives such sub-standard work and we're all pulled down by it. For all the moments where I sacrificed all the time I could have had on my work but it was all spent elsewhere.
I'm tired of being alone in getting those kids back on track...and then some bunch of people come along and criticize them so easily and its all back to square one.
I'm tired of putting faith in people and just end up getting.............ah whats the use.
I really wish there'd be someone who'll put in the same passion, heart and soul in every single thing as much as I do.
Because I'm tired of constantly being asked AND forced to fight alone almost every time!
I just want someone who'll be by my side
You sacrifice your own personal time, ease of mind, perception just so its all for the greater things. Do you know how frustrating it is when you put in so much determination but others dont give a hoot?
They say you should keep going nonetheless. You just keep on fighting. You keep on giving your 110 percent. But the problem always lies with someone who never makes that same effort.
I'm tired of running my heart out for every match I play. For seeing those goal-scoring chances missed by people who hardly give a thinker's toot. For trying to marshal people back up from their own despair. From getting too many sleepless nights because of huge abrasions and blisters that pound endlessly from sliding tackles or saves.
In retrospect, I'm worn out by those times where I've spent hours of work but the other party gives such sub-standard work and we're all pulled down by it. For all the moments where I sacrificed all the time I could have had on my work but it was all spent elsewhere.
I'm tired of being alone in getting those kids back on track...and then some bunch of people come along and criticize them so easily and its all back to square one.
I'm tired of putting faith in people and just end up getting.............ah whats the use.
I really wish there'd be someone who'll put in the same passion, heart and soul in every single thing as much as I do.
Because I'm tired of constantly being asked AND forced to fight alone almost every time!
I just want someone who'll be by my side
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
I had a huge reality check in the midst of a conversation. I was so euphoric about finally ending my life in npcc when I realised I had never achieved that goal of 5 years consecutive gold.
Life is not about what we get or what we deserve. Its all about what we do. I want nothing more than to see the unit achieve that same goal that previous CIs have set for the unit. I want to see that glory and pride restored in all of them.
Sigh. Now I hardly have the mood for NPAP 2011
Life is not about what we get or what we deserve. Its all about what we do. I want nothing more than to see the unit achieve that same goal that previous CIs have set for the unit. I want to see that glory and pride restored in all of them.
Sigh. Now I hardly have the mood for NPAP 2011
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