Have moved to http://people-of-today.blogspot.sg/

I've realised how emo I've got last time and I've found it all unnecessarily due to excess baggage that I was harbouring. Now I've got that off my chest, it feels a lot better to work and focus on my future ahead.

I was about to doze off asleep before waking up early to head off to work and as usual, the brain keeps thinking about all kinds of philosophical stuff just before it shut downs. From stuff ranging to my feeling for yh and whether I'm ready for love to how long I've come since basic training. Looking back, I see that my ever present sense of determination to succeed in everything I do has been a major part of my life. I'd drive on and probe into the deepest perspective of even the smallest things. But as of now, I realised how much of a double edged sword it has been sometimes. I'd always have to work doubly hard because contrary to popular belief, I dont grasp things as quickly or as deeply as people thought I do. I just think about what I need to do to get things done and because of that, people always believe I have the whole picture in my mind and to some extent, thats true but it sure does take a shitload out of me. Dont ask me why but ever since I left sec school, my brain hasnt been working as well as I'd hoped. Possibly my physical side has deteriorated considerably ( I'd blame my stupidity for shutting down so easily after O levels and that long hiatus during post O level exams) and that my brain in turn, follows the same. 

Anyway, I've been contemplating about this move on yh. I'm at the stage in life where I can begin to think a \ more seriously than a normal teenager. Possibly because I have exactly 2 years to the end of my degree and less than 8 months to the end of NS. I wouldnt want a relationship where its a temporary one off thing and where it appears to be just a fling. It always takes two. Im not sure if YH has any feelings for me but then again I wouldnt know either as I dont really trust myself in knowing people's feelings anymore. However, back in my first relationship, it was all about the first action that kickstarted that 1.5 years of rollercoaster. People have funny ways of getting together. I know sure enough that courting isnt on the cards for either one of us. Then there's that issue of religion. I'm pretty confident that once I've got those settled, it will be a wonderful thing for both of us. I'm sure of that. As she said to me, its about the commitment that one puts in and I know myself to be fully committed and seeing things through to the very end. However, we wont be seeing each other for the next two years and I dont want this to die off. Oh sure we'll meet someone else or that circumstances will change. Yet there's one thing I know for sure and that she is someone worth the shot and if it doesnt turn out, I'll wont live without knowing what could have been.

Oh yeah: the important question. What if I'm already friendzoned?! Well it looks like I might be! HAHA. Screwed!

Lest I forget to say this to you..I shall pen it here. Basic training was a time where I experienced a great deal of selfishness and taunting.it was so difficult trying to keep people in line with their competitiveness and pride. Worse still, I was losing faith in people and my close friends didn't give me the support I needed.that made me sink even deeper and truly lose faith with everyone.people were just so unwilling to compromise for the sake of others. Nonetheless, I know in my heart that I stood my ground and held my own. I sacrificed my ego and pride for a bunch of strangers and loved ones at a time where I was the one who needed help most.but what goes around comes around a long way. I've grown more savvy and self-preserved. I say good riddance to a bunch of people who cared less. Your time will come but I'm glad that you don't affect my belief in this calling to serve.

Sigh.I cant get over it.I was at the lowest ever point of my life and I had no one.not one person I felt who would understand or whom I could rely on.I just felt truly abandoned.I was stuck in such a selfish world in which I had tried to get along. but it seemed people could hardly care or they were too preoccupied with their own matters.

Quote from the movie, Braveheart; "Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it"

I have never felt this free before. Free in my heart.

I havent felt that great weight in my heart or shoulders since a long time.




Since God-knows-when, I've always subconsciously blamed it on a lot of things or never got the hang of it. heh. In the midst of helping others, I ended helping myself. Its odd that people's problems became my problems in the process. I must be too overly-sensitive or something.


And now, I  feel the pure joy of freedom. I feel truly alive and like my true self.
I'm back from that long hiatus.

And now, I'm ready to serve back my purpose. which is none other than serving others. My usual bloghopping and facebook-ing brought alot of attention to what has been going around with people. I just simply cant bear to see people in hardship and me doing nothing when I clearly know how to alleviate their feelings or set it right for them. Then again, I've learnt I cant always help everyone and I gotta let it go with some people. Sigh. sucks ass but all I can do is pray they'll get through or the right one is there to help them along the way. which reminds me bout poor Haz. I really wish I knew what she's going through but I guess I aint one to know because she aint telling me.

My time in NS has made me realise how fragile bonds of friendship are over time. Unless there is a constant strengthening such as reminding one another how grateful you are, sacrificing some time from your work or leisure to see them. I wish my friends knew how much I sacrificed for them in the past. I never asked for anything in return but I only wish they'd understand how I felt. The world is literally becoming more fragile in every way. I cant help but see how people begin to slowly drift apart like the earth tectonic plates begin to slowly shift apart.

How coincidental that I came across Aisha's fb status:

Friends i nvr get close to.. Nt involvin myself with them, not a chance to get to know them. Cos i thought MY friends are the best ever.. Now, looking back, im nt left with any.. Ive missed tht chance. While They are still close nw. And i'll nvr be in the picture..
Miss u buddy.. :'

Sigh. It just saddens me that most people I know didnt feel that way a long time ago. Thankfully for Aisha, I'm glad she realises this, that people come and go. But for my friends, or even the closer acquaintances, I dont want them to regret this in the long future. I wish people wouldnt place so much thought or emphasis on anything else other than the true bonds of friendship and pursuit of knowledge in their lives. Because I know somehow or another we're all gonna make it even with or without a degree or a high paying job.Im sounding like some old man but I've followed this thus far and I've always been happy. Always.

So many people drifting apart here and there. So many people busybusybusy.

How I really wish I could impart this to others. We'd all be so much happier. I'm sure of it.
Dear God, please strengthen my resolve to serve the people around me. To be a better person to all and to give them the best of myself. Because every soul can be saved and everyone deserves that chance of redemption, love, companionship, courage and wisdom. Amin

Though I give up at this stage of my life, I'll still be dragged along in this roller coaster. I only have myself to rely on because I truly give up on people.

I really do give up. I hope I'll find some faith in them again one day but for now, I'm alone.

Just like old times.

sigh

Oh God...why did this cold fear and wave of insecurity resurface at around the same time after a year.