I hate to admit it but I've realised how easily my life is affected by people around me which clearly is good and bad. The bad part however, is that I realised how often I'd be thinking about them.

How I'd prioritise their welfare above mine unless it was not needed for me.
How I'd be always placing myself in their shoes.
How to make life better for them.
I'd even go to the extent of following their example.

All that is bad, no wait, unhealthy to some extent because I'd lose myself. Sigh.
I did all that because I cared. There were some days where my priorities lay to people only. Not the single nor the smallest thought for myself. In a nutshell, my actions are easily influenced by those around me.

Here are classic examples.

My unit chairman just replied my sms with one word, "okay" and I'm wondering the circumstances in which she might forget what I tell her, the whole scene which she might be in that she should forget and bla3. Silly me to think so large about something so small because it was just a reminder!

My mom just told me to put the rice and remaining dishes into the fridge. Since I'm gonna fall asleep soon, I thought of msg-ing my sister to do it when she reaches home. But some part inside tells me she wont bother and a bigger part of me tells me I shouldnt bother her.

Ah. I'd always be ready to help. I'd go to the other end of SG on a night like this if I'm needed to. I'd do anything. really. The feeling of knowing you're needed just drains away any fatigue and gives you a strength for you to raise up others. Thats the only reason why I'm able to socialise and get along well with others.

But I'm finally burnt out.
Now my head begins to constantly ache and spin after thinking so much. My body begins to wear out even more. No amount of skin care is gonna make my face look any younger after so much thoughts. Goodness, I feel even more tired DURING a unit training than AFTER finishing the urbanathlon! and to think the urbanathlon is 14km with 9 obstacles! I'm intentionally losing that side of me. I gave my mind, heart and soul every single day and all three are worn out. I cant go for one single day without thinking or worrying for anyone and all the ways I'd think to help them out

Let me be selfish and think for my own now. I havent been getting a chance to be kind to myself, to do the real things that I want to do without giving a THOUGHT to anyone nor hearing anyone's advice ringing in my head all the time. I need to find the right balance between myself and others. but it seems like my life's purpose has always been a servant.

Oh God, give me the strength to seek the balance of self and service. Guide me on the right path always.

Sidetrack: I thought about this deeply and I'll say that the one thing I want most is a family. I dont care if I dont make it to university or struggle to find a job and make ends meet in the meantime.
I dont want to live alone nor without love. I want nothing more than a simple life, loving family and meaningful days to spend with them.