Allah has answered my prayers as He always does.
I am eternally grateful. Coincidentally, such answers to my thoughts come late at night. heh. After all, 2am-4am are the times when one is really close to Allah.

All those thoughts about life and deeds are clearer in our mind in the wee hours of the morning. As such, its really helped me get through the day much better. I cant imagine myself being so dispirited all day. So anyway, after last nights conversation, the answer to my confusion was delivered. Ahh, I'm returning more and more to myself with each passing day

I have more self-belief now.

"Just hold on. I figured myself out"

I received an email entitled: 100 tanda-tanda kematian
which means 100 signs of death.

Well well..of all things to receive. But anyway, everyone dies sooner or later. We should all prepare ourselves as though we'll live forever and prepare ourselves as though we'll die tomorrow.

Besides, whatever course of action we take in life, it pre-destines everything no? whether we'll be closer to death or not.

One of my closest friends told me this

"The problem with you is that you dont allow people to love you"
WHAT THE @#%$#^$?!

I just completed making what will be the best tasting sandwich I've ever made!
But I dont think I'll make a better one. haha.

Apparently, I just realised how different ham is from other prepared forms of meat. It was maddening to see how I experimented on it so much and yet nothing changed! @#%$&!

So with that, it seems I've re-discovered that entrepreneurship feeling again of starting that long-forgotten sandwich business! That is if Subway still doesnt provide Halal food! (which I keep wondering why it still doesnt!)

Now what should I experiment with for my next sandwich?

2am to 4am are the hours in which you are closest to God. Its within these hours that I think alot about life and whatever small or big little thing that was either the past,present or future.

But the thoughts are similar in one way or another

I really wish people would figure out the answers to life like I did.
So now my question beckons,

How do you help someone to find the answers of life like you did? You know what, I'll ask God.
Because He always has the best plan for us unless what we're asking from Him already is the best plan lah.

A fish that strikes on the fishing hook is yours for reeling in. For some fishes though, you gotta be quick to jerk the rod up when it strikes. Thats to ensure the hook sinks in properly.

If you're late by just half a second,
If you hesitate,
If you blink an eye,

then its gone.

Moral of the story? You gotta be real sure of what you want. You gotta be ready for anything. You gotta be on your toes and grab it while you can. Because its here for one moment and then...

Life's like that huh? You can never take things slow all the time 

The 4 days of solitude has given me plenty of time to decipher the myriad of feelings and thoughts.

Those dreams that I've been having were all linked up together to form up that huge nightmare. It reflected back onto those mental blocks which I've subconsciously created. That nightmare brought out all those old fears and insecurities. I never ever had such a dream before and I aint letting it take over me like this. Those walls did shield but ended up becoming barriers itself. Barriers to my own fulfillment and understanding. I've got too little time and too much energy to waste on my own self-procured nonsense.

I've had enough of living in my own fears. I'm done doubting my own actions and will.

So my time is up.

I will not question its possibilities or reflect until it is over.I knew this was coming. I knew the challenges I would face. I am always reminded that I'm a servant and shall never waiver in my duty NOR in my resolve

By God, I will not abandon this test of time and faith.


Allah does not impose upon any soul a duty but to the extent of its ability; for it is (the benefit of) what it has earned and upon it (the evil of) what it has wrought: Our Lord! do not punish us if we forget or make a mistake; Our Lord! do not lay on us a burden as Thou didst lay on those before us, Our Lord do not impose upon us that which we have not the strength to bear; and pardon us and grant us protection and have mercy on us, Thou art our Patron, so help us against the unbelieving people

May the next 4 days be not in vain. Amin

That sinking feeling you get when you know you've given your best but................

For this journey, I was alone. Always alone except for the beginning and the end.
When it was at its peak, there was so many of us. Then as things got worse, they were nothing more than rats abandoning a sinking ship.

And it stayed that way for almost 3 years.
Now I'm almost gone and the people are returning simply because they're more free now?

But it is a selective thing. Coming back for typical reasons such as my friend come back so I also go.
Pathetic.

What a waste of effort for half a decade.
I learnt my lessons and I'm never gonna go back again

I recall a post in my old blog. Cant really remember what it was (lazy to search also.heh)
But I remember a phrase that I typed.

"We cannot live alone because we arent allowed to"
Let me improvise that.

We cannot live alone because our sole purpose in life is never limited to ourselves. There will always be people who will have a part in shaping the course of our lives. If we shun the outside world, our lives would be stagnated and it'd be.......selfless.Whatever the people we meet or the choices we make in choosing our friends, its inevitable.

If I am wrong, then
why did Clyde needed Bonnie?
why did Robin Hood needed Marian?

If anyone gave a good answer to that, then
why did God create Adam and Eve? and not only either one?

Ah. This solitude is helping greatly.

Oh, johnny wishes he was famous
Spends his time alone in the basement
With lennon and cobain and
A guitar and a stereo

And while he wishes he could escape this
But it all seems so contagious
Not to be yourself and faceless
And a song that has no soul

I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
And I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

Oh, I dreamed of losing faith and what she knows
And some music hits on the foreclose
Thinks of surgery and a new nose
And the galleries of war

And while she wishes she was a dancer
And that she’d never heard of cancer
She wishes God would give her some answers
And make her feel beautiful

I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

One day, you’ll have to let it go
You’ll have to let it go
No...
One day, you’ll stand up on your own
You’ll stand up on your own

Remember losing hope
Remember feeling low
Remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

We are (one day), we are all innocent
We are all innocent (you’ll have to let it go)
We are, we are (you’ll have to let it go, no..)

We are (one day), we are all innocent
We are, we are (you’ll stand up on your own)
We are, we are all innocent (you’ll stand up on your own..)

We are, we are all innocent

Stupid. seriously stupid.What was it again? stupid.

Why? Because I shot myself in the foot ALL OVER AGAIN

I helped others but I never helped myself. What was worse, I was tolerant enough to withstand all that selfishness and thoughts that were never spared for others.
What on earth do some people need to get their hearts,minds, eyes and ears open?
Does it take an accident or a misdeed to see the error of their ways?
Does it take someone to get hurt or lost before they start caring for others?

To start being true to myself...I'm taking a time out.

Because I've finally burnt myself out.

Time to just get away and disappear for as long as I like.
To everyone else, I can only say

Merci beaucoup, mes amis 
Because enough is enough.


Sigh. I thought that if one always keeps on fighting for the good that he sees in another...the latter would realise and change. It is always a futile but selfless effort. An effort I believe that will pay off; that the greater good would prevail in one, no matter the length of time or sacrifice. I guess I was wrong. I tried, really. God forgive me and grant me the strength and courage to carry on again someday

I bought some cookies and cream wafers an hour ago. Cost 3.95 and I gave 4 dollars to the cashier, telling her to keep the 5 cents.

I thought about that 5 cents that I just 'donated'. At the end of the day, the cashier will have to count the money inside it, making sure it tallies correctly with the items sold. What will she do with that surplus 5 cents however?

Another question struck me however. (as I left the kiosk)

What would I do if each human being in this world donated 5 cents to me?
My first response was they shouldnt be giving it to me. I shall tell them to give it to the more needy people.
BUT...if i told the world to do THAT, I doubt many would do it.

A thought hit me as I was crossing the road from the petrol kiosk.

What if i collected all that money and I took enough safeguards to ensure it would fall in the right hands? that would be a huge plus factor to making the world a better place. then again, money is the root of all evil. Would I change halfway and end up becoming a miser? and what about the corruption, leeches and people who prey on trust? Will that money ever end up in the right hands if i let it go?

No wonder people said being rich doesnt necessarily mean you're happy or successful!

We are who we are.

There's no one who can tell us we're different than what we really are.

But I hid myself for far too long.
I supressed those feelings and I ended up doing more harm to myself than good.

I'm done hiding. I aint gonna hide anymore.

I dont understand why my words are beginning to fail me. I cant find the right words nor the right time.
Sigh.

I dont wanna be thinking about it but................

And the sun still rises from the east

For some people, a sunrise is a sunrise.
For others, a sunrise means another day of life.

For myself.......its a reminder to be grateful

I dont know how much longer I can keep this inside

Its just eating me up inside every single day.

Random thought: everyone's special in their own way. its up to you to see what is it that sets them apart

What a way to start the morning!
Nothing beats a wake up call.

and the sun still rises from the east. 

Now then...how productive shall this day be?
Simple.

It all has to start by burning of all those fats stored up inside!
There's a marathon on 20th February 2011 and I still havent got down to serious training.
I wonder if there's anyone else joining that marathon.

The problem is....i havent found any wall for me to scale over yet. Thats what one of the obstacles will be during that marathon. I know its a piece of cake but i wanna do it properly and give my best shot for that race! Besides, its not a wall that I'll be facing but a freaking 2.6m container!. (should have practised when I had the chance while working at Jurong. hehe)

Anyway, I never fully realised how much I've missed the esplanade. Going back there stirred up the old memories that stretch back a long time ago. Strangely enough (and no link) it reminded me of the days where my squadmates and I nearly won the Charles Chong Road Relay in 2005. heh. I still gripe over the fact that we lost to Victoria school. I was the last runner and having come from 10th to 2nd was pure torture! Especially since the VS runner was just a few metres ahead! @#$!%

Oh well, at least I had that wonderful memory of that breath taking last gasp race with that Maris Stella guy who came in 3rd. ahhhh....I still remember how my proud my HO and OC were at that time. It was just simple unbelievable that we won.

Ah well, Mr Charles Chong, I shall see you bidding farewell to the Corps this saturday. That memory of the road relay will be fresh in my mind!

I should find more places to discover in Singapore. I havent seen enough!..Where to go next?

I'll keep my eyes on the sunrise every day from now.

What will happen on the day that it will rise from the west and not the east?

Just woke up from a nap.

Another dream.
I'm certain this will come true like the same dream I had of NPAP 2011.

Why are my dreams coming true?

Do you know how frustrating it is when you give your best but the other party doesnt?

You sacrifice your own personal time, ease of mind, perception just so its all for the greater things. Do you know how frustrating it is when you put in so much determination but others dont give a hoot?

They say you should keep going nonetheless. You just keep on fighting. You keep on giving your 110 percent. But the problem always lies with someone who never makes that same effort.

I'm tired of running my heart out for every match I play. For seeing those goal-scoring chances missed by people who hardly give a thinker's toot. For trying to marshal people back up from their own despair. From getting too many sleepless nights because of huge abrasions and blisters that pound endlessly from sliding tackles or saves.

In retrospect, I'm worn out by those times where I've spent hours of work but the other party gives such sub-standard work and we're all pulled down by it. For all the moments where I sacrificed all the time I could have had on my work but it was all spent elsewhere.

I'm tired of being alone in getting those kids back on track...and then some bunch of people come along and criticize them so easily and its all back to square one.



I'm tired of putting faith in people and just end up getting.............ah whats the use.
I really wish there'd be someone who'll put in the same passion, heart and soul in every single thing as much as I do.



Because I'm tired of constantly being asked AND forced to fight alone almost every time!
I just want someone who'll be by my side

What can you do when you're dying to spill out everything?
When you're dying to just tell all?
Just to let that one person know

But you just cant because...........

I had a huge reality check in the midst of a conversation. I was so euphoric about finally ending my life in npcc when I realised I had never achieved that goal of 5 years consecutive gold.

Life is not about what we get or what we deserve. Its all about what we do. I want nothing more than to see the unit achieve that same goal that previous CIs have set for the unit. I want to see that glory and pride restored in all of them.

Sigh. Now I hardly have the mood for NPAP 2011