I hate to admit it but I've realised how easily my life is affected by people around me which clearly is good and bad. The bad part however, is that I realised how often I'd be thinking about them.

How I'd prioritise their welfare above mine unless it was not needed for me.
How I'd be always placing myself in their shoes.
How to make life better for them.
I'd even go to the extent of following their example.

All that is bad, no wait, unhealthy to some extent because I'd lose myself. Sigh.
I did all that because I cared. There were some days where my priorities lay to people only. Not the single nor the smallest thought for myself. In a nutshell, my actions are easily influenced by those around me.

Here are classic examples.

My unit chairman just replied my sms with one word, "okay" and I'm wondering the circumstances in which she might forget what I tell her, the whole scene which she might be in that she should forget and bla3. Silly me to think so large about something so small because it was just a reminder!

My mom just told me to put the rice and remaining dishes into the fridge. Since I'm gonna fall asleep soon, I thought of msg-ing my sister to do it when she reaches home. But some part inside tells me she wont bother and a bigger part of me tells me I shouldnt bother her.

Ah. I'd always be ready to help. I'd go to the other end of SG on a night like this if I'm needed to. I'd do anything. really. The feeling of knowing you're needed just drains away any fatigue and gives you a strength for you to raise up others. Thats the only reason why I'm able to socialise and get along well with others.

But I'm finally burnt out.
Now my head begins to constantly ache and spin after thinking so much. My body begins to wear out even more. No amount of skin care is gonna make my face look any younger after so much thoughts. Goodness, I feel even more tired DURING a unit training than AFTER finishing the urbanathlon! and to think the urbanathlon is 14km with 9 obstacles! I'm intentionally losing that side of me. I gave my mind, heart and soul every single day and all three are worn out. I cant go for one single day without thinking or worrying for anyone and all the ways I'd think to help them out

Let me be selfish and think for my own now. I havent been getting a chance to be kind to myself, to do the real things that I want to do without giving a THOUGHT to anyone nor hearing anyone's advice ringing in my head all the time. I need to find the right balance between myself and others. but it seems like my life's purpose has always been a servant.

Oh God, give me the strength to seek the balance of self and service. Guide me on the right path always.

Sidetrack: I thought about this deeply and I'll say that the one thing I want most is a family. I dont care if I dont make it to university or struggle to find a job and make ends meet in the meantime.
I dont want to live alone nor without love. I want nothing more than a simple life, loving family and meaningful days to spend with them.

To be hearing someone's problems requires a great deal of sensitivity and inner strength. To be able to empathise is key.

IT SIMPLY ISNT JUST LISTENING TO A PERSON CRAP HIS/HER HEART OUT. GET THAT RIGHT!

You have to empathise with the person. Imagine yourself in his/her shoes whenever they're relating it to you. Imagine yourself going through whatever it is they're going through. You gotta drop every perception and self-values in order to do that. A non-committal response aint right either.

And for goodness sake, at least spare some time every now and then to think what they've said and at least have it in your heart to think what would be best for them.

If you know you dont have it in your heart to not listen, it would be kinder to tell them you cant listen just yet. A true friend would understand and wouldnt disappoint

Thank God my friend, Taufiq, has awoken from his coma after 6 days. A pity that I left just a few minutes before when he awoke.
Seeing him on life support and his eyes wide open made me really reflect so much more.

I guess God had a plan for him when He put them into an accident. He also must have had something in store when He made my other two classmates exchange seats in that car. But whatever it was, that plan was for the best. Maybe He wanted us to learn something from it all. Maybe He put them through this accident to prevent a greater burden from befalling on them. The Almighty is all-seeing and He does not burden a soul with anything more than it can bear. He showed mercy on Taufiq for if He put Taufiq in this state which was for the best, then I cannot imagine what worse things would happen to Taufiq if he didnt get into that accident.

The doctors were wondering why Taufiq wasnt awake. That after all the care and help of machines given to him, why was he still in that state.

Well, I believe a greater force was at work that day.

All praise be to Allah.

An excerpt from the song "N Dey Say" by Nelly

i used to think that life had a plan for me
until i realized life had to be planned by me
see that's the key i only deal wit what i can see
cuz over history, mystery brought us nothin but misery

It was this part that made me recall the first time I heard this song a few years ago. The first two lines made realised how fragile, vulnerable and lost we'd be if we had no real focus of what we'd wanna be. The key was to start discovering ourselves first. Knowing what we love to do most, what values we uphold deeply, what qualities we demonstrate strongly and what character we portray clearly. I used to be doing many things because the core quality I was striving for was versatility. It sounds like asking too much for oneself to be versatile but it suited me pretty fine especially since it was only just secondary school. Juggling two ccas, relationship, friends and studies didnt seem too much of a hassle.

However, the third line clearly described what I was doing. I only dealt with what I can see. I didnt think about what would come after. To put it bluntly, there was no concrete idea of what I'd wanna do with my future. So I continued to chase myself to be versatile at a much higher level, thinking I would discover myself further in the process.

But it turned out quite........shit i lost my train of thought. Whats the word for 'shooting yourself in the foot'?
Anyway, the more I'd do, the more I questioned my own character and full purpose. What was worse is that most actions was done out of impulse, though much thought was placed into it. To be living life with such unplanned motives and direction truly is disconcerting. heh.

But these past few days, I've given a fair amount of thought of who I'd wanna be and what I'd have to be in mind,heart and soul.

Before I go further, what defines a simple life?

Even without that medicine, I'm getting such dreams!
And the latest one is just even more..........

This wasnt supposed to happen

The days are getting weirder and the nights are getting stranger.

Something isnt right