To what extent would a man see through all that he loves so dearly till the end?
I dont know about other men but I'll tell you mine: For anything. For anything at all.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
I hate to admit it but I've realised how easily my life is affected by people around me which clearly is good and bad. The bad part however, is that I realised how often I'd be thinking about them.
How I'd prioritise their welfare above mine unless it was not needed for me.
How I'd be always placing myself in their shoes.
How to make life better for them.
I'd even go to the extent of following their example.
All that is bad, no wait, unhealthy to some extent because I'd lose myself. Sigh.
I did all that because I cared. There were some days where my priorities lay to people only. Not the single nor the smallest thought for myself. In a nutshell, my actions are easily influenced by those around me.
Here are classic examples.
My unit chairman just replied my sms with one word, "okay" and I'm wondering the circumstances in which she might forget what I tell her, the whole scene which she might be in that she should forget and bla3. Silly me to think so large about something so small because it was just a reminder!
My mom just told me to put the rice and remaining dishes into the fridge. Since I'm gonna fall asleep soon, I thought of msg-ing my sister to do it when she reaches home. But some part inside tells me she wont bother and a bigger part of me tells me I shouldnt bother her.
Ah. I'd always be ready to help. I'd go to the other end of SG on a night like this if I'm needed to. I'd do anything. really. The feeling of knowing you're needed just drains away any fatigue and gives you a strength for you to raise up others. Thats the only reason why I'm able to socialise and get along well with others.
But I'm finally burnt out.
Now my head begins to constantly ache and spin after thinking so much. My body begins to wear out even more. No amount of skin care is gonna make my face look any younger after so much thoughts. Goodness, I feel even more tired DURING a unit training than AFTER finishing the urbanathlon! and to think the urbanathlon is 14km with 9 obstacles! I'm intentionally losing that side of me. I gave my mind, heart and soul every single day and all three are worn out. I cant go for one single day without thinking or worrying for anyone and all the ways I'd think to help them out
Let me be selfish and think for my own now. I havent been getting a chance to be kind to myself, to do the real things that I want to do without giving a THOUGHT to anyone nor hearing anyone's advice ringing in my head all the time. I need to find the right balance between myself and others. but it seems like my life's purpose has always been a servant.
Oh God, give me the strength to seek the balance of self and service. Guide me on the right path always.
Sidetrack: I thought about this deeply and I'll say that the one thing I want most is a family. I dont care if I dont make it to university or struggle to find a job and make ends meet in the meantime.
I dont want to live alone nor without love. I want nothing more than a simple life, loving family and meaningful days to spend with them.
How I'd prioritise their welfare above mine unless it was not needed for me.
How I'd be always placing myself in their shoes.
How to make life better for them.
I'd even go to the extent of following their example.
All that is bad, no wait, unhealthy to some extent because I'd lose myself. Sigh.
I did all that because I cared. There were some days where my priorities lay to people only. Not the single nor the smallest thought for myself. In a nutshell, my actions are easily influenced by those around me.
Here are classic examples.
My unit chairman just replied my sms with one word, "okay" and I'm wondering the circumstances in which she might forget what I tell her, the whole scene which she might be in that she should forget and bla3. Silly me to think so large about something so small because it was just a reminder!
My mom just told me to put the rice and remaining dishes into the fridge. Since I'm gonna fall asleep soon, I thought of msg-ing my sister to do it when she reaches home. But some part inside tells me she wont bother and a bigger part of me tells me I shouldnt bother her.
Ah. I'd always be ready to help. I'd go to the other end of SG on a night like this if I'm needed to. I'd do anything. really. The feeling of knowing you're needed just drains away any fatigue and gives you a strength for you to raise up others. Thats the only reason why I'm able to socialise and get along well with others.
But I'm finally burnt out.
Now my head begins to constantly ache and spin after thinking so much. My body begins to wear out even more. No amount of skin care is gonna make my face look any younger after so much thoughts. Goodness, I feel even more tired DURING a unit training than AFTER finishing the urbanathlon! and to think the urbanathlon is 14km with 9 obstacles! I'm intentionally losing that side of me. I gave my mind, heart and soul every single day and all three are worn out. I cant go for one single day without thinking or worrying for anyone and all the ways I'd think to help them out
Let me be selfish and think for my own now. I havent been getting a chance to be kind to myself, to do the real things that I want to do without giving a THOUGHT to anyone nor hearing anyone's advice ringing in my head all the time. I need to find the right balance between myself and others. but it seems like my life's purpose has always been a servant.
Oh God, give me the strength to seek the balance of self and service. Guide me on the right path always.
Sidetrack: I thought about this deeply and I'll say that the one thing I want most is a family. I dont care if I dont make it to university or struggle to find a job and make ends meet in the meantime.
I dont want to live alone nor without love. I want nothing more than a simple life, loving family and meaningful days to spend with them.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
To be hearing someone's problems requires a great deal of sensitivity and inner strength. To be able to empathise is key.
IT SIMPLY ISNT JUST LISTENING TO A PERSON CRAP HIS/HER HEART OUT. GET THAT RIGHT!
You have to empathise with the person. Imagine yourself in his/her shoes whenever they're relating it to you. Imagine yourself going through whatever it is they're going through. You gotta drop every perception and self-values in order to do that. A non-committal response aint right either.
And for goodness sake, at least spare some time every now and then to think what they've said and at least have it in your heart to think what would be best for them.
If you know you dont have it in your heart to not listen, it would be kinder to tell them you cant listen just yet. A true friend would understand and wouldnt disappoint
IT SIMPLY ISNT JUST LISTENING TO A PERSON CRAP HIS/HER HEART OUT. GET THAT RIGHT!
You have to empathise with the person. Imagine yourself in his/her shoes whenever they're relating it to you. Imagine yourself going through whatever it is they're going through. You gotta drop every perception and self-values in order to do that. A non-committal response aint right either.
And for goodness sake, at least spare some time every now and then to think what they've said and at least have it in your heart to think what would be best for them.
If you know you dont have it in your heart to not listen, it would be kinder to tell them you cant listen just yet. A true friend would understand and wouldnt disappoint
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Thank God my friend, Taufiq, has awoken from his coma after 6 days. A pity that I left just a few minutes before when he awoke.
Seeing him on life support and his eyes wide open made me really reflect so much more.
I guess God had a plan for him when He put them into an accident. He also must have had something in store when He made my other two classmates exchange seats in that car. But whatever it was, that plan was for the best. Maybe He wanted us to learn something from it all. Maybe He put them through this accident to prevent a greater burden from befalling on them. The Almighty is all-seeing and He does not burden a soul with anything more than it can bear. He showed mercy on Taufiq for if He put Taufiq in this state which was for the best, then I cannot imagine what worse things would happen to Taufiq if he didnt get into that accident.
The doctors were wondering why Taufiq wasnt awake. That after all the care and help of machines given to him, why was he still in that state.
Well, I believe a greater force was at work that day.
All praise be to Allah.
Seeing him on life support and his eyes wide open made me really reflect so much more.
I guess God had a plan for him when He put them into an accident. He also must have had something in store when He made my other two classmates exchange seats in that car. But whatever it was, that plan was for the best. Maybe He wanted us to learn something from it all. Maybe He put them through this accident to prevent a greater burden from befalling on them. The Almighty is all-seeing and He does not burden a soul with anything more than it can bear. He showed mercy on Taufiq for if He put Taufiq in this state which was for the best, then I cannot imagine what worse things would happen to Taufiq if he didnt get into that accident.
The doctors were wondering why Taufiq wasnt awake. That after all the care and help of machines given to him, why was he still in that state.
Well, I believe a greater force was at work that day.
All praise be to Allah.
Monday, February 14, 2011
An excerpt from the song "N Dey Say" by Nelly
i used to think that life had a plan for me
until i realized life had to be planned by me
see that's the key i only deal wit what i can see
cuz over history, mystery brought us nothin but misery
It was this part that made me recall the first time I heard this song a few years ago. The first two lines made realised how fragile, vulnerable and lost we'd be if we had no real focus of what we'd wanna be. The key was to start discovering ourselves first. Knowing what we love to do most, what values we uphold deeply, what qualities we demonstrate strongly and what character we portray clearly. I used to be doing many things because the core quality I was striving for was versatility. It sounds like asking too much for oneself to be versatile but it suited me pretty fine especially since it was only just secondary school. Juggling two ccas, relationship, friends and studies didnt seem too much of a hassle.
However, the third line clearly described what I was doing. I only dealt with what I can see. I didnt think about what would come after. To put it bluntly, there was no concrete idea of what I'd wanna do with my future. So I continued to chase myself to be versatile at a much higher level, thinking I would discover myself further in the process.
But it turned out quite........shit i lost my train of thought. Whats the word for 'shooting yourself in the foot'?
Anyway, the more I'd do, the more I questioned my own character and full purpose. What was worse is that most actions was done out of impulse, though much thought was placed into it. To be living life with such unplanned motives and direction truly is disconcerting. heh.
But these past few days, I've given a fair amount of thought of who I'd wanna be and what I'd have to be in mind,heart and soul.
Before I go further, what defines a simple life?
i used to think that life had a plan for me
until i realized life had to be planned by me
see that's the key i only deal wit what i can see
cuz over history, mystery brought us nothin but misery
It was this part that made me recall the first time I heard this song a few years ago. The first two lines made realised how fragile, vulnerable and lost we'd be if we had no real focus of what we'd wanna be. The key was to start discovering ourselves first. Knowing what we love to do most, what values we uphold deeply, what qualities we demonstrate strongly and what character we portray clearly. I used to be doing many things because the core quality I was striving for was versatility. It sounds like asking too much for oneself to be versatile but it suited me pretty fine especially since it was only just secondary school. Juggling two ccas, relationship, friends and studies didnt seem too much of a hassle.
However, the third line clearly described what I was doing. I only dealt with what I can see. I didnt think about what would come after. To put it bluntly, there was no concrete idea of what I'd wanna do with my future. So I continued to chase myself to be versatile at a much higher level, thinking I would discover myself further in the process.
But it turned out quite........shit i lost my train of thought. Whats the word for 'shooting yourself in the foot'?
Anyway, the more I'd do, the more I questioned my own character and full purpose. What was worse is that most actions was done out of impulse, though much thought was placed into it. To be living life with such unplanned motives and direction truly is disconcerting. heh.
But these past few days, I've given a fair amount of thought of who I'd wanna be and what I'd have to be in mind,heart and soul.
Before I go further, what defines a simple life?
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Let me pour out everything. It's gonna be a mess but I'll feel better after that
10 years ago, my ENTIRE unit strived with one goal in mind. Excellence at all levels. With teachers like Mr Joseph Chua, Mr Edmund Chow, Mr Eugene Wong and Mr Zul, we set ourselves the target of achieving that 5 years of UOPA gold. It would only be a matter of time since all these teachers were all Senior Police Officers with links to the SPF and NPCC HQ itself. They were great motivators and people who would inspire the CIs and cadets with their own hard work and support.With our principal Mrs Edelweiss Neo backing us with full support, the spirit that was instilled in all of us was unwavering.
So it held that way from 2001 and 2002. I still remember how fiercely we fought in every competition. How everyone would train for Games day and Drill Competition. then it all fell in 2003.It is difficult for me to say where it went wrong at that time. Between those times, the above mentioned teachers had begun to leave us and the unit had slowly deproved. I still remember when I was in Sec5 worrying about the state of things despite having stepped down. Between 2003-2006, the unit had slowly limped along. Thankfully, there were the older CIs like Royce and Ronald to help out. I still feel indebted to them in one way or another for their help. Though small, their impact was great. They had that uncompromising ability to inspire. To move people to take action.
Then in 2007, the unit had become a great deal stronger. Our total strength of CIs had gone up to 7 and we had the fortune to still acquire Mr Zul and Ms Si, who was a former cadet. The NCOs were a bunch of self motivated and hungry-for-success troupe though they were rowdy at times and posed a nuisance to the CIs and TOs. It was then that I realised it would not last. I had long forseen that this great determination would soon come crashing down with a variety of problems. Apparently, when those NCOs left, most of the other CIs had left as well. Suddenly, there was hardly anyone but myself left. It was like being dumped in a huge ocean without the ability to swim! I wasnt really a very active cadet back then and now I was the only active CI left to make things right. It sounded truly depressing and I can assure you it is. But nonetheless, it was a job that had to be done. I sacrificed so much time for the Corps till my school results were mediocre. But it never mattered to me. Because I dearly loved the unit and intended to instill the same love in others. I was reminded of the great passion and love that the previous NCOs,CIs,HOs and TOs had for the unit. I took it up upon myself to continue in their footsteps and fulfill what they had set in their time.
It was at this stage that strengthened my belief that if one had love strong enough, it would beget. Just like evil begets evil. Though there are countless times where I have been proven wrong, even in friendships, it only serves me to remind me that love will one day prevail. So long as you truly love someone, they will remember it and may one day follow suit to others.
Even despite all that, I had already begun to slowly lose heart and consign myself to the fact that the target may never be achieved. We had performed admirably in 2007 and nearly made it by the skin of our teeth in 2008. Then came the moment I had been dreading in 2010. Like most of the problems that came our away, I had no answer. I could not answer to the alumni and cadets. I always gave excuses and possibilities ranging from HQ to our own miscalculations. But I knew the hard truth and where it had all began. For the first time in my life, I could not find a solution.
I felt terrible. I had brought up the hopes and aspirations of so many young kids to have that same desire and passion only to let them down. I had pushed them to their limits and trained them to perform higher than their expectations. They had gained the intrinsic value but they never got rewarded as an entire unit. They were frustrated that despite all their intense efforts, they would always come up short at the end. Worse still, I felt betrayed because it all came down to something as silly as late or non submissions! When Ms Wong told me that the SCI form was never received, I knew then what had happened to all our previous SPF-NPCC and UOPA forms. If the need ever arose, I would be there to fulfill all the necessary work to do for the TOs. All they had to do was ASK! I had given my 100% and can always go beyond for the sake of the younger ones.
Sigh.That has happened twice in row for 2 years now and this year I'm sure its the same thing all over again. I'm sure of it. The young ones will be left to themselves. Whether the unit will push itself up again or not, I will no longer be there to witness it.
Nonetheless, my duty is not yet complete and there is much to be done. I wish I can stay longer but my days are numbered.
My greatest wish is that people will truly understand and take action as many others before me have done so.
10 years ago, my ENTIRE unit strived with one goal in mind. Excellence at all levels. With teachers like Mr Joseph Chua, Mr Edmund Chow, Mr Eugene Wong and Mr Zul, we set ourselves the target of achieving that 5 years of UOPA gold. It would only be a matter of time since all these teachers were all Senior Police Officers with links to the SPF and NPCC HQ itself. They were great motivators and people who would inspire the CIs and cadets with their own hard work and support.With our principal Mrs Edelweiss Neo backing us with full support, the spirit that was instilled in all of us was unwavering.
So it held that way from 2001 and 2002. I still remember how fiercely we fought in every competition. How everyone would train for Games day and Drill Competition. then it all fell in 2003.It is difficult for me to say where it went wrong at that time. Between those times, the above mentioned teachers had begun to leave us and the unit had slowly deproved. I still remember when I was in Sec5 worrying about the state of things despite having stepped down. Between 2003-2006, the unit had slowly limped along. Thankfully, there were the older CIs like Royce and Ronald to help out. I still feel indebted to them in one way or another for their help. Though small, their impact was great. They had that uncompromising ability to inspire. To move people to take action.
Then in 2007, the unit had become a great deal stronger. Our total strength of CIs had gone up to 7 and we had the fortune to still acquire Mr Zul and Ms Si, who was a former cadet. The NCOs were a bunch of self motivated and hungry-for-success troupe though they were rowdy at times and posed a nuisance to the CIs and TOs. It was then that I realised it would not last. I had long forseen that this great determination would soon come crashing down with a variety of problems. Apparently, when those NCOs left, most of the other CIs had left as well. Suddenly, there was hardly anyone but myself left. It was like being dumped in a huge ocean without the ability to swim! I wasnt really a very active cadet back then and now I was the only active CI left to make things right. It sounded truly depressing and I can assure you it is. But nonetheless, it was a job that had to be done. I sacrificed so much time for the Corps till my school results were mediocre. But it never mattered to me. Because I dearly loved the unit and intended to instill the same love in others. I was reminded of the great passion and love that the previous NCOs,CIs,HOs and TOs had for the unit. I took it up upon myself to continue in their footsteps and fulfill what they had set in their time.
It was at this stage that strengthened my belief that if one had love strong enough, it would beget. Just like evil begets evil. Though there are countless times where I have been proven wrong, even in friendships, it only serves me to remind me that love will one day prevail. So long as you truly love someone, they will remember it and may one day follow suit to others.
Even despite all that, I had already begun to slowly lose heart and consign myself to the fact that the target may never be achieved. We had performed admirably in 2007 and nearly made it by the skin of our teeth in 2008. Then came the moment I had been dreading in 2010. Like most of the problems that came our away, I had no answer. I could not answer to the alumni and cadets. I always gave excuses and possibilities ranging from HQ to our own miscalculations. But I knew the hard truth and where it had all began. For the first time in my life, I could not find a solution.
I felt terrible. I had brought up the hopes and aspirations of so many young kids to have that same desire and passion only to let them down. I had pushed them to their limits and trained them to perform higher than their expectations. They had gained the intrinsic value but they never got rewarded as an entire unit. They were frustrated that despite all their intense efforts, they would always come up short at the end. Worse still, I felt betrayed because it all came down to something as silly as late or non submissions! When Ms Wong told me that the SCI form was never received, I knew then what had happened to all our previous SPF-NPCC and UOPA forms. If the need ever arose, I would be there to fulfill all the necessary work to do for the TOs. All they had to do was ASK! I had given my 100% and can always go beyond for the sake of the younger ones.
Sigh.That has happened twice in row for 2 years now and this year I'm sure its the same thing all over again. I'm sure of it. The young ones will be left to themselves. Whether the unit will push itself up again or not, I will no longer be there to witness it.
Nonetheless, my duty is not yet complete and there is much to be done. I wish I can stay longer but my days are numbered.
My greatest wish is that people will truly understand and take action as many others before me have done so.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Angel lyrics
Songwriters: Mclachlan, Sarah;
Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
So tired of the straight line
(From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sarah-mcLachlan-lyrics/angel-lyrics.html)
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting
Keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness
Oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
Songwriters: Mclachlan, Sarah;
Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
So tired of the straight line
(From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sarah-mcLachlan-lyrics/angel-lyrics.html)
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting
Keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness
Oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Its funny how the world really works eh? The way it goes about just makes you think about it more and more.
I had a feeling last night wasnt a really good time to go the pond.
And indeed it wasnt!
My faithful rod that has been with me for 4 years snapped. Ah well, I had good memories with it so I wont complain about the night any further.
Anyway, I was looking through the NAA/DC section application to NTU. I realised with great..ah...that dumb R word...REGRET..that obviously I should have followed my own passions in the past.
There were two out of four criterias which I could have made so much more appealing.
The part that really gripes me is the sports section! All those bunches of medals gathering rust and trophies gathering dust (HEY THAT RHYMED!) were just sports day, cross country and inter house competitions. It might have been different if I carried on in the TP track & field team. sigh. To think it was my passion for years..and still is though. Ah well, at least I have Changi United for now. Although the football passion isnt burning as bright as for running, I'll follow through on it for my NYAA.
Then I'll really follow through on that childhood dream of athletics.
Now why is a whole post dedicated to this? Because my gpa clearly aint good enough for anything!
I had a feeling last night wasnt a really good time to go the pond.
And indeed it wasnt!
My faithful rod that has been with me for 4 years snapped. Ah well, I had good memories with it so I wont complain about the night any further.
Anyway, I was looking through the NAA/DC section application to NTU. I realised with great..ah...that dumb R word...REGRET..that obviously I should have followed my own passions in the past.
There were two out of four criterias which I could have made so much more appealing.
- Active involvement/participation in community services and/or volunteering work
- Demonstrated excellence in areas such as leadership, entrepreneurship, arts & culture, sports, etc
The part that really gripes me is the sports section! All those bunches of medals gathering rust and trophies gathering dust (HEY THAT RHYMED!) were just sports day, cross country and inter house competitions. It might have been different if I carried on in the TP track & field team. sigh. To think it was my passion for years..and still is though. Ah well, at least I have Changi United for now. Although the football passion isnt burning as bright as for running, I'll follow through on it for my NYAA.
Then I'll really follow through on that childhood dream of athletics.
Now why is a whole post dedicated to this? Because my gpa clearly aint good enough for anything!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)