We can never live alone because we arent allowed to.

One typical character (though fictional) was Bishop from the X-men comics. He was aloof and distanced himself away from ties of family and friendship because he could no longer endure the pain of losing those he cared for. He had lost his wife in the midst of an inter-galatic battle and laid the loss on his foolishness of being vulnerable. So he strained out of self-preservation to live alone.
Little did he know that his wife had secretly bore him a daughter who would return to him years later.


It was like a rusty door of his heart creaking open to reveal a dusty room that would see daylight in the days to come.

I dont know what that really feels like but I want to experience that. 
At least before I truly disappear.

So that I'll never be alone in heart when I'm doing what I need to do. Thats my wish on this last minute of 2010 for the year 2011

A life lived for others is a life fulfilled.
If so, I will gladly serve.
 
Sigh...its coming soon. I wonder how things will play out when I'm gone.
Disappearing doesnt seem like a tough act after all. heh

There is no greater act of selflessness than an act of sacrifice for another.
No matter how small

Mom tells me I should have gone into commercial farming. erm............okay.

Thats what she told me a long time when I was going into poly.
Now come to think of it, I recall my childhood dreams of being a fisherman.

I remember with full detail how passionate I was. Goodness, I even had it all planned out!
Now after getting my ppcdl, that raw passion became stronger.

The funny thing about mom is that she just seems to know whats best. heh. Thats why they call it mother's wit eh? She told me I should have gone into something like psychology or community kinda stuff as my poly course or something to do with nautical studies. Now that I look back, she must have seen that passion inside me as well.

Lets think about it though. Commercial fish farming.......
Im thinking if its really something I'd wanna do for a long time.
But like what all my close friends have told me, so long as you're committed to what you do, then there's nothing you cant do.

Commercial fish farming..............hmmmm

"Uncle no hair"

Those were the first words that my niece said when she saw me today. @^$%#$!

Each passing day I hear stories which are worse than the last.
It makes me feel worse that I understand them

And because I understand, I have that sole responsibility to do what is right.
I do not fear the....great inevitable that will come sooner or later.

I only fear the dire consequences if I fail.

For God's sake, please let this stop.
Please.



Its coming.

Please give me strength.

Somehow listening to this song makes me feel better sometimes. After all, it was the song that inspired me to run. It just feels melancholic sometimes.

Scratch that last post.

I REALLY need to disappear. one step at a time.

I cant disappear. No matter how hard I try.

It's just not possible. Or maybe there's a part of me deep down that knows I can never do that.

Maybe its too selfish

Truth aint good enough sometimes because some people truly deserve more

Random thought: Why does one feel scared or afraid? Simple. The act of self preservation. Typically, one would resort to going back to what he/she feels comfortable with all the time. Thus the cycle of getting into the same shit and running away from it perpetuates itself.

Random thought: I just realised why my mom (or anyone as a matter of fact) hardly understands what I'm saying when I pour my heart out. Nor would they make that real effort to do so. How would I know? I gave her the book that I just bought, entitled "I could not save Mahatma Gandhi" and she didnt like it. Too many details she said. Isnt that dandy!

Random thought: A man may have lost everything. He may have lost his money, his family, his dignity and his strength. But as long as his will is unbreakable, then he is never defeated. Neither the suffering nor the shame of fear of losing will he have to endure. On the contrary, he will be a champion of the weak and an admiration to the strong though he may be less in stature to them.

He only needs to remind himself of his will. Determination is nothing if you lose heart.

Random thought: The most dangerous,self destructing thing one can bring unto him/herself is to let his/her emotions take over.

Random thought: The most powerful, self-empowering thing one can bring unto him/herself is to bring harmony to his/her mind,body,heart and soul.

Random thought: Follow up from the earlier random thought above. First, you use your brain to develop your purpose and mission. Then proceed with your heart to strengthen your will. Then let your body bring you actions into motion. When its all done, reflect and let your soul be fulfilled

Random thought: Follow up from the earlier random thought above (hehe).Drop all the feelings and thoughts of everyone..even the loved ones.You have to be truly alone in mind, heart and soul if you want to do this.

Random thought: Why does one feel scared or afraid? Simple. The act of self preservation. Typically, one would resort to going back to what he/she feels comfortable with all the time. Thus the cycle of getting into the same shit and running away from it perpetuates itself.

Random thought: I just realised why my mom (or anyone as a matter of fact) hardly understands what I'm saying when I pour my heart out. Nor would they make that real effort to do so. How would I know? I gave her the book that I just bought, entitled "I could not save Mahatma Gandhi" and she didnt like it. Too many details she said. Isnt that dandy!

Random thought: A man may have lost everything. He may have lost his money, his family, his dignity and his strength. But as long as his will is unbreakable, then he is never defeated. Neither the suffering nor the shame of fear of losing will he have to endure. On the contrary, he will be a champion of the weak and an admiration to the strong though he may be less in stature to them.

He only needs to remind himself of his will. Determination is nothing if you lose heart.

Random thought: The most dangerous,self destructing thing one can bring unto him/herself is to let his/her emotions take over.

My suspicions are confirmed.It was pre-meditated.

I knew it was wrong.
It is not my place to reveal it.

However, there goes the saying that evil grows stronger because the good do nothing.
In the movie, the Prince of Persia, whereby the Persian king said that a good man would stop a wrongful attack on the innocent no matter who the assailant was.

Then the big question hits me.
Who am I to change or say such things?

Lesson learnt. Never slide on a poor pitch.

So anyway, decision made. Back to the Changi United days.
Back to the days of being yelled at personally and getting the tackles instead of tackling.

Crazy match!

To think we lost 4-7 when we could have won 7-2! oh well, nothing I could do as keeper. sometimes you're the hero, sometimes you're nobody. Even at such hot weather conditions, its no excuse that you cant win properly or even play properly.

So after that match, I went over to see my former club, Changi United formerly known as Simei United fc. heh. Alot has changed I say but the more things change, the more they stay the same. At least it was a much improved side that I saw compared to 2008.heh. Today's events make me feel like going back to the amateur league after so long. But this means I gotta run faster, jump higher, hit harder and be stronger than before.

Which means.....no more irregular eating, late nights, lazing in front of the com.
Back to a proper diet, more running about and getting my head straight!

Shit. That old wound on my left leg has opened up again. I really need to be more careful when sliding on those arid patches of grass. Its throbbing like mad. How to sleep tonight?!

Lets hope a time out at the SAF yacht club gives me some relief after today

I never thought I'd admit this for as long as I live.

The most exhausting form of tiredness for me has turned out to be emotionally-tired, not mentally or physically. Now I sound like a girl!

But over the last few days, I've been feeling that way.

Its been a bad day. So for once, this post will be all-over-the-place.
I just had this late night thought.

What would someone be willing to sacrifice to pursue what he truly desires? For one thing, desire is a strong word and should be constantly kept in check. At this juncture of my life, I'm questioning my own intentions and the lengths I'd go to pursue my ambitions. They say that one secret of life is to follow your heart and passion to find fulfillment. What do you think?

Anyway, I was pondering over two courses to apply for University. Bsc in Social Sciences at SMU and Bsc in Maritime Studies at NTU. After tonight, I was pondering on whether I'd be truly passionate in my pursuit of excellence if I were to enter these courses. I do have some measure of interest but will it garner the full attraction for me?

The current solution to find out was to take up various internships or jobs with marine companies or MPA to see if there was something in it for me in MS. Whereas for SS, I'd approach the Ministry of community,youth and sports and various social service providers, working alongside counsellors or social workers.

Sounds good? Not quite. There's something about Social Sciences that tells me I might not work well with the people in there. Kinda reminds me of the Law days. Dont get me wrong...they're all nice people but for myself, I was in the wrong place with the wrong people.

Oh wait. I forgot about Sports Management. That seems like a bigger opportunity; particularly because I'd be participating in more future sports and taking up coaching for soccer very soon.

Ah well..I guess I'd better use my time before NS wisely. Not just to enjoy myself but boost my chances of a more fulfilling life and getting into uni.

Now where's my PPCDL card and NS letter?! If it isnt in the mailbox within 24 hours, I'd have to call MPA and CMPB already!

Seeing the plans for the new stadiums for the 2022 World Cup in Qatar makes me want to go there!

So be it...World Cup 2022, here I come! =p

Gah..I burnt my potatoes in the oven. Set the oven too high la. Too used to setting up high temperatures with fish till I totally forgot it was potatoes this time round.

Oh well...at least my old specialilty of grilled salmon didnt fail me.heh
Now where is my pickup car for today?

"If you want something so bad, you can always get it"

But not everything is about me. Even the thing I want most cannot outweigh what I must do; for the simple fact that it is what is best for another.
As the title of this blog says, I hope that particular "someday" will change everything for everyone when they know.

I shouldnt dwell on this so I'll just have to get over it.
Its exhausting me mentally.

What I dont understand is how it happened and what triggered it? All I know it was all pre-meditated by one person.

"What happens when a man's heart and soul tell him something but his actions and body does otherwise?"
"What happens when a man's actions and body does something but his heart and soul tells him otherwise?"

What happens when you cant do anything and cant say it either?