I've realised how emo I've got last time and I've found it all unnecessarily due to excess baggage that I was harbouring. Now I've got that off my chest, it feels a lot better to work and focus on my future ahead.

I was about to doze off asleep before waking up early to head off to work and as usual, the brain keeps thinking about all kinds of philosophical stuff just before it shut downs. From stuff ranging to my feeling for yh and whether I'm ready for love to how long I've come since basic training. Looking back, I see that my ever present sense of determination to succeed in everything I do has been a major part of my life. I'd drive on and probe into the deepest perspective of even the smallest things. But as of now, I realised how much of a double edged sword it has been sometimes. I'd always have to work doubly hard because contrary to popular belief, I dont grasp things as quickly or as deeply as people thought I do. I just think about what I need to do to get things done and because of that, people always believe I have the whole picture in my mind and to some extent, thats true but it sure does take a shitload out of me. Dont ask me why but ever since I left sec school, my brain hasnt been working as well as I'd hoped. Possibly my physical side has deteriorated considerably ( I'd blame my stupidity for shutting down so easily after O levels and that long hiatus during post O level exams) and that my brain in turn, follows the same. 

Anyway, I've been contemplating about this move on yh. I'm at the stage in life where I can begin to think a \ more seriously than a normal teenager. Possibly because I have exactly 2 years to the end of my degree and less than 8 months to the end of NS. I wouldnt want a relationship where its a temporary one off thing and where it appears to be just a fling. It always takes two. Im not sure if YH has any feelings for me but then again I wouldnt know either as I dont really trust myself in knowing people's feelings anymore. However, back in my first relationship, it was all about the first action that kickstarted that 1.5 years of rollercoaster. People have funny ways of getting together. I know sure enough that courting isnt on the cards for either one of us. Then there's that issue of religion. I'm pretty confident that once I've got those settled, it will be a wonderful thing for both of us. I'm sure of that. As she said to me, its about the commitment that one puts in and I know myself to be fully committed and seeing things through to the very end. However, we wont be seeing each other for the next two years and I dont want this to die off. Oh sure we'll meet someone else or that circumstances will change. Yet there's one thing I know for sure and that she is someone worth the shot and if it doesnt turn out, I'll wont live without knowing what could have been.

Oh yeah: the important question. What if I'm already friendzoned?! Well it looks like I might be! HAHA. Screwed!