It's a little strange.
I feel like I'm sharing my thoughts with God alone when I'm typing this out.

Months ago, I was at a point in life where my feelings were stagnant. Relationships and love were kept to a platonic level. Fast forward to now and here I am where I feel like every small thing suddenly means a thousand times more than it actually is.

I made myself focus on my life ahead. To focus on whats to come. To mentally prepare the challenges and the new life I would embrace. The first step was to focus on myself. Something I find rarely easy to do. Just a few days ago, I got what I wanted.

I managed to distance my mind and feelings off from EVERYONE. from jo, my unit, family,friends and everyone else. I thought of my own self sustenance and well-being.
And I see a world which horrified me.

I would become less sensitive as before and find it difficult to empathise with people. I would become a man who has no sense of his own self which I had realised a little earlier but didnt comprehend well enough. Sigh.

And now I find myself back to square one.
I cannot bear to not be there when they need help.
I cannot bear not to be there to look after them.
I fear for their own misguidance from the harm of so much falsehoods and ignorance.
I do not want them to feel the angst and hurt that I felt without reprieve and be numbed for years
I do not want them to feel as though they were abandoned.

Sigh

I plainly understand now why people call me an old man but it doesnt matter one bit. I'd rather be an old man who'd look after all of them than be a man who has his life fulfilled when he can help those around him.
Now I know why I returned to Dunman and the Corps because I couldnt bear to see the state of the unit and the kids being left like that without any help. I wanted to prevent the kids from becoming what I was when I was a cadet.
Now I remember why I chose to become a parade commander. I wanted people to realise what it meant to be looked upon. But for myself, I wanted to be the PC because I needed people to realise about what was missing from all that I ever did.

why I never got promoted (not that it matters)
why my unit has been in such a state and what I could not do to galvanise itself
why I was still there after so long. I had hoped they would find the answer to why I was still there.

For most part of my life so far, I've lived for others.
Now I have to live for myself. And there was never been a more daunting task than this. How easy it would be for others to do that yet I find it tumultous.
But as Mahir and Azman put it, I have a choice to make.

To chiong all the way or keng all the way. You cant go in between and do both.
Either I live my life for myself from now on OR I continue to live my life for others from now on.

I have a choice to make. or has it already been decided for me?